Dating Advice For The Ladies: Stop Texting, Start Talking!

Julie recently met this guy, John, at a bar, and they hit it off. They had good chemistry, and they made a date for the upcoming weekend. For the next few days, they texted back and forth with flirty banter, and Julie was really looking forward to her first date.

The day of their date, he texted this:

“Hey sorry, I can’t make the date tonight, my ex needs me to be with the kids. Long story. I promise to make it up to you.”

Julie was disappointed, but they continued to text over the next few days.

John never made it up to her. He simply never called her to reschedule the date. Julie was left feeling perplexed and rejected, and she wondered what she could have said wrong in her texts to make him never call.

So what did Julie do wrong?

She should have never texted him again, because John canceled her date via text. In fact, they should have never had texting banter, until they were deeper into their relationship.

If John was truly available, he would have called her to cancel. Things come up, and sometimes kids do interfere with plans, but it is not acceptable to text a cancelation.

Notice how I didn’t say, “If John was truly interested,” as that would imply Julie isn’t good enough for him. No, John just isn’t available. And that’s not good enough for Julie.

If a man is available, it means he is ready to date and willing to invite a woman into his life, despite other life commitments. It means he is possibly looking for a relationship, not just a hook up. It also means he respects the women he meets, and should his plans change, he will give her the courtesy of a phone call instead of a text.

So if you want a man who is available, stop texting with him. Every time you get caught up in texting banter, you aren’t allowing him to show up. Instead, you allow him to hide behind his phone, and you make it super easy for him to cancel on you, ignore you, or even misunderstand you.

Sure, texting in the dating world can be fun. But it can also be incredibly confusing, as the context in a text can be completely misconstrued. And there is nothing that sucks your energy more when you say something flirty, and then he never responds –- or he responds several hours later.

You’re thinking, what does that mean? Did I say something wrong? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Oh no, what if he’s no longer interested?

While he could have turned off his phone to get on a flight or walk into a meeting, his lack of response suddenly puts you in the passenger’s seat. And he’s the one who is driving. Now, you’re feeling insecure all because of texting banter, and never once did you have an actual conversation.

I remember meeting a man online, and I gave him my phone number. He texted right away, and we had the most hilarious, witty conversation via text. We texted for hours and he just seemed so funny and cool. I suggested that he call me instead, but he said he couldn’t; he was at the office.

About five hours after the texting began, he asked me out via text. He asked me if I liked to play poker, and I said I did, but I’m not good at it. And you know what he said?

“Well FINE! Here I was trying to ask you out, and now you’re rejecting me. Go fuck yourself.”

Did I walk away? Oh no, I was now completely insecure and wanted to know what I did wrong. The man nearly ruined my day, and I still never had a single phone conversation with him.

He was clearly crazy, but I let him hide behind his phone and allowed him to get into my head. When I asked him to call me and he said he couldn’t, my last text to him should have been, “Well call me when you’re free.” And if he didn’t call me, then I would know he wasn’t available.

Whether you’re a seasoned dater or a novice, you must set up rules for yourself and establish deal breakers. After my “poker-go fuck yourself” text, I knew that I would never text with a suitor again until we were in a relationship.

I would answer texts regarding logistics like, “Hey, I’m running late. Is 6:15 okay?” I would respond, “Sure thing; thanks for letting me know!”

Should the texts get flirty, I would respond, “Ha, I’m not really into texting, but I would love to answer that question over the phone. Call me tonight!” And if he’s not a phone person, he should then want to ask me out on an actual date.

Because if a man can’t have a freaking conversation, you don’t want to date him, much less be married to him. So why even waste your time?

People should date in person, not over the phone.

When we allow him to text with us for hours, we prevent him from truly showing up. A good, honest man will have the courtesy to call.

And if he doesn’t, don’t take it personally –- you’ve just saved yourself hours of time and allowed yourself to meet a man who does.

Lindsey Ellison is founder of Start Over. Find Happiness., a coaching practice that helps women navigate through their divorce or break-ups. For more information, visit her website by clicking here.