The No Drama Break Up

When you understand that everyone is doing the very best they can to get the things you want, then there is no need for a drama-filled break up. Why do people break up? Sometimes it’s because of a revelation and sometimes it’s slow building.

When it happens because of an acute revelation, one person has discovered something about the other that cannot be tolerated. When this happens, there is often disappointment, anger and drama. The drama occurs because one person is attempting to “get” the other person to go back to the way they were. "Stop being this way! Wake up! Don’t hurt me like this! How dare you? You promised you’d never do this! I need you!" This can be the drama that results from an acute revelation.

When it is a slower realization over time, it is usually the case of getting to the point where the pain of staying the same exceeds the person’s fear of change. Over time it has become too painful to stay in the relationship. Two people grow apart. One was waiting for the other to change and over time, realized it just wasn’t going to happen.

When a relationship ends, it is common for each partner to attempt to vilanize the other. Each will talk to their confidantes to try to find support for their position. And because there really is no bad guy, each will find the support they need to justify their position. People who care about you will almost always support your perceptions.

Why do I say perception? Because there really always is two sides to every story. There will be the way you see things and there will be the way your partner views things and these views will be widely discrepant. Discrepant does not mean one of you is wrong and the other is right. It simply means you are each seeing the situation from your own unique vantage point and see things differently.

If you can accept that premise, then it is not far to go to understand you don’t have to have to make your partner “wrong” in order to move forward. In fact, just the opposite is true . . . you need to make your partner “right from where he or she comes from” in order to move forward. When you hold onto the perception that your partner is the bad guy, then you lock yourself in pain and unhappiness. Have you ever heard the expression, refusing to grant forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die? You are killing yourself by holding onto negative emotions and polluting the rest of the world, especially those close to you, with this negative energy. And you are locking yourself to this person you are angry with by staying focused on how they did you wrong. This will forever hold your emotional well-being in the hands of someone with whom you are angry.

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If you want to end your relationship without drama, then your first step needs to be to recognize there is no bad guy. Both of you have been living your life in the way that best made you happy. When you learn there is something about the relationship that no longer makes you happy and you want to end it, do not spend time on blame. Simply decide this no longer works for you and prepare yourself to move on. Moving on means going forward without this relationship or changing the relationship to something you can accept.

Remember the love you once had for this person. Sometimes in your anger and hurt, you will be tempted to believe the love you felt wasn’t real. The whole relationship was a sham. This is simply not true. You can’t rewrite history just because you learned something you didn’t like. That doesn’t negate the fact that what you had and what you felt was real. Don’t allow negative emotions to take from you the benefit of the relationship you had. Simply remind yourself you had a wonderful relationship until things changed. Now that they are different, you will make some adjustments but your prior relationship was very positive for you while you were in it. Now it’s time to redefine it.

My favorite quote to remember when relationships end is one by Dr. Seuss, “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” Whether you are moving on or your partner has made that decision and it isn’t what you want, don’t regret the past relationship or attempt to hold onto the future relationship when your partner doesn’t want to. Let the relationship transform into its next stage of relationship, whatever that will be and remain grateful for the relationship you had.

Whether you do this in reality or simply in your head, thank your partner for the time you had, for the lessons you learned and/or the gifts you received. Even when relationships end badly, there is always a lesson or gift to take from the situation. Let go of the anger, resentment and depression and hold onto the positive benefit.

Move forward in grace and light. Whenever you begin to feel the pain and anger, shift your thoughts to the benefits you received from this relationship. Let it go with dignity. Know that better things are ahead and you will get to them sooner rather than later when you can become a person of happiness, gratitude and love rather than sadness, fear and hate.