5 'Beige Flags' You're In A Relationship With A 'Darvo' Narcissist
He turns the tables around and blames you.
Wavebreakmedia | Canva When a man is a narcissist, he'll do anything to come out on top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim by using a defensive manipulation technique called "DARVO."
What is DARVO? Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe one typical "reaction perpetrators of wrongdoing may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior."
"DARVO," she explains, "stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender," the pattern through which an abuser seamlessly shifts focus away from their behavior to that of their accuser.
You may have even seen the DARVO defense up close and personal in your relationships. It can start when you ask a simple question. You soon see that what you thought was a reasonable query is turning into a conflict.
When you suspect a man is using DARVO tactics, look closely to determine if these are crocodile tears being shed by a man with narcissistic traits.
Here are 5 'beige flags' you're in a relationship with a DARVO narcissist:
1. He lies
Maybe you haven’t seen the "big" lie, but perhaps there have been small ones. You find yourself explaining to friends, perplexed, “He lies when there’s no reason to lie.” You may have seen him lie to others or exaggerate the truth to make himself look better.
He might even lie to make you, or his children, look better. That’s because you are a reflection on him and the better you look, the better he looks. Does grandiosity ring a bell?
2. He's vain
How he looks, both literally and figuratively, can be a big deal to a man with a heavy dose of narcissism. With an annoying sense of entitlement, he may spend more money on his hair and clothing than you do. And he’ll come up with a seemingly logical reason for why that's the case.
His children are also reflections on him, so he may be super concerned about how well they do on any and every metric that can be used to compare them with others.
He may pretend with friends and co-workers that you two are really in an equal partnership, or even that you’re the one wearing the pants in the family. But it doesn’t feel that way to you.
Don’t be fooled — it’s just vanity in disguise. He wants the relationship to look good to others.
3. He demands you do things his way
Although he asks your opinion, it seems like he must have things his way. From the kids’ bedtime to where you go out for dinner, he can become angry when you express what you want. You end up backing off, telling yourself it’s not that important.
You are astounded at the ease with which he gets people to do things for him. He always gets the upgrade when he flies, the loaner when the car is being serviced, and the lowest possible price in a negotiation. This is because people can sense that it’s more trouble to fight him than to give in. Just like you do.
Pexels / Antoni Shkraba
4. He manipulates your feelings
Although you enjoy it when he buys you gifts, it seems like you can never be grateful enough or offer enough praise to satisfy him. You start to feel like an ingrate. See the reversal there?
You begin to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Are you not adoring enough? He has always pegged you as the special woman, perfect for him (because he’s so special). Maybe you’re not so special?
Instead of feeling bad about yourself, perhaps you can see his arrogance and complete lack of empathy for your feelings.
5. He turns things around on you
Does he turn things around on you? The DARVO defense is rife with “what about-isms.”
There was the guy who was caught cheating on his wife, and asked her, “What about you sneaking cigarettes after you told me you quit? What about your dishonesty?”
While this is a false equivalence, it can be difficult to argue the point with someone who is always right. If you present any hint of negative feedback — "I thought you were going to take out the trash" — no matter how small, the DARVO cycle begins.
"Why is the trash so important?" he responds. You have made a big deal out of nothing. You are not adoring enough. You are the offender here.
If these things are starting to sound familiar, you’re probably with a narcissist who will DARVO you to death if you allow it.
Narcissism occurs on a continuum. There are slightly narcissistic people. These are people who think they might be the smartest person in the room. They can be annoying, but also fairly harmless.
You can make a case to a person like this that a 7:00 bedtime for a 10-year-old doesn’t make sense and lay out the points so he might eventually agree.
Sometimes, he’ll remind you what an inconvenience it is — that it was your idea and that, whenever possible, you are the one who must be inconvenienced by it, not him. This is a narcissist you can probably work with.
At the other end of the continuum are the narcissists who "know" they’re always the smartest person in the room. Their needs override the needs of everyone in their orbit. You cannot discuss a change in the 7:00 bedtime with him because it’s an inconvenience for him that will not be tolerated under any circumstances.
Don’t be fooled by his crocodile tears; the true narcissist doesn’t need you. Since he is probably charming and engaging, he’ll quickly replace you with a more compliant, adoring substitute.
At this end of the narcissism continuum, you are not going to gain any traction with your argued points or with reason.
Unless you want to spend your life feeling like a victim and with someone who only sees you as an accuser, it’s time for you to reverse things and free yourself of his manipulative DARVO defenses. Reverse course and run for the hills.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Judith Tutin, Ph.D., ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. She shares more work in her book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide.