If You Can't Answer These 5 Basic Questions, It's Not A Real Relationship
Your online love can never become real if these things are happening.
francescoridolfi.com | Canva Let me say that I'm no online prude. I have clients I work with who I've never met offline. I've had virtual assistants I've never even spoken with on the phone. I've done online dating and talked to high school boyfriends online.
I've taken virtual classes and have colleagues I've "met" in those classes who I've never met in person. All of that is fine. I do try to recognize these relationships for what they are and accept their limitations. I'm suggesting you try to do the same.
If you can't answer these 5 basic questions, it's not a real relationship:
1. Should I be concerned that he doesn't want to meet me offline?
Yes! You should be concerned if he only wants to talk online. Not wanting a real face-to-face says he has something to hide.
It could be the same thing that explains why he's never available in the evening or on the weekend. Someone who doesn't want to meet you is not a boyfriend, friend, or any other type of intimate. They're just someone you talk to online.
2. Why am I always the one initiating contact?
Great question. Why are you always the one waiting for the magic "ping" signaling contact from this person? You're waiting because you've stopped living your life and you're living for a person you hardly know.
I know, when you contact him he's quick to respond and flirt. It's still a sign that he might not be that into you. It's a sign that he's likely not that into you. Set a timeframe during which the relationship has to progress. If it doesn't, it's time to move on.
3. Am I spending too much time with people online?
Maybe. Your high school boyfriend who you haven't seen in 15 years is not your boyfriend. Why are you spending hours chatting him up online? It didn't work out the first time, right? You might consider what you are not doing that you would be doing if you spent less time online.
Like having dinner with your friends or working out at the gym where you might meet a real person. Consider adopting a rule of spending at least as much time with real-life friends as online friends. You can also try a little technology cleanse.
Pexels / Lisa Fotios
4. How long do I go without face-to-face interaction?
I'm talking in person, not Face Timing or Skyping. What are you getting out of the online contact and what are you missing out on? One study concluded that only real-life friends lead us to feel happier.
Another study found that you can have a lot of online friends, but you won't feel supported by them the same way you do by your real-life friends. Online chats, texts, and even phone calls are for getting to know someone. Once that's done, it's time to move on and meet up, or end it.
5. Why can't I find him on Google?
Not everyone has a huge internet presence, but you can tell where they ought to show up. Someone who graduates from Stanford should appear on an alumni list and a professional should be listed on a licensing website.
The absence of this type of confirmation ought to raise your suspicions. You can always ask the person about it. Any reasonable person meeting online would understand your desire for a little concrete validation that they're who they say they are. After all, people lie.
Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. Then move away from any imaginary boyfriends you uncover and keep it real.
Judith Tutin, Ph.D., ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. She shares more work in her book, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide.