7 Ways To Lovingly (But Firmly!) Make Boundaries Around A Problematic Ex
Life is a journey that we don't always walk together forever.
Andrey Zvyagintsev | Unsplash If you decide to end your relationship, people around you might have a hard time accepting your decision. Of course, they don't know all the details that made you take such a bold step.
It might also be inertia that keeps them from understanding your decision. They could be caught up in their perception about your relationship, or how you should handle it.
Here are 7 ways to lovingly (but firmly!) make boundaries around a problematic ex:
1. Give examples from their lives of when they had to state boundaries
Remind them they felt it was the right thing to do be true to themselves and move forward. Then give similar examples from your relationship that contribute to your decision. They should be able to find parallels between the situations.
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2. Ask them to notice the difference between how you felt when you were in that relationship, and how you feel now
If you make the right decision, you might feel like a huge weight was lifted from your shoulders. Let them know that! They will probably realize the changes benefit you and others.
3. Think about what is the most important for them to have in their relationships (something they couldn't live without)
Give them examples of things that matter the most to you in a relationship, things you couldn't get, despite your best efforts. Help them see how we all deserve to have our needs fulfilled, as shown in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
4. Notice if this relationship revealed a pattern that repeated in several relationships you've had
Let them know what you've learned this time, the better person you became by learning your lesson, and how you will use it from now on. The strength and respect for yourself you gained from this lesson allow you to let go of a relationship that doesn't serve you and your ex anymore. Show them how your decision could also help your ex become a better person. It could be an indirect message, but still a powerful life lesson for them, too.
5. Talk with excitement about your plans for the future
Let them know your plans that could not be fulfilled if you continued the relationship and give examples of why. Research from the Journal of Happiness Studies might help you show them how your goals, plans for the future, and relationship satisfaction are no less important to achieve.
6. Tell them about what you did to make this relationship work (and it still failed)
Ask them if they would continue a relationship that doesn't bring happiness to both partners, as supported by a 2020 study. You might have to explain the difference between working out problems in a relationship and being stuck in an incompatible relationship.
7. Take a break
If you tried all the above strategies and they didn't work, ask the person to leave you alone for a while — to reflect more on your decision. At least this strategy should give you a break to find other strategies that might work.
Taking responsibility for your decisions is part of the growth process and with it comes dealing with situations that occur following those decisions. So, don't be disappointed or frustrated when others don't get it. Be calm and stay strong, and they will hopefully understand eventually!
Gabriela Casineanu is a life and relationship coach who specializes in life management and transitions.