Are You Selfish? 6 Ways To Instantly Tell
There is no gene for selfishness, it's a learned behavior.
djiledesign | Canva Healthy, happy relationships are based on mutuality of caring, cooperation, and commitment. Your partner and relationship must be a top priority. Selfishness, or being overly concerned with your needs, wants, and feelings over those of your partner prevents you from holding up your end of an equally satisfying relationship.
Many people don't recognize when they're being selfish because they operate inside a bubble of me-first thoughts and beliefs. The me-first attitude dictates their actions and signals to their partner they don't value the relationship. Putting yourself first becomes a habit. For example, with friends and colleagues, you look for opportunities to put yourself center stage. You spend very little time listening because your focus is on pulling attention back to you. Eventually, this way of being pushes others away from you. In your intimate relationship, it creates hurt and resentment.
Here are six ways to instantly tell if you are selfish:
1. You're all control, no compromise
You like being in control and find it difficult to compromise. If you try to compromise, you might cling to inconsequential specifics to delay or disrupt the process.
2. You don't care to share
Giving and sharing do not come easily to you. Recognizing the needs of others is a challenge. Nurturing is not in your nature.
3. It's you first always
You find putting your partner's needs first — before your own — is difficult or impossible to consider. You approach life with an attitude of filling your plate first, then everyone else can fill their own.
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4. You take any criticism as an attack
You hear constructive criticism as personal attacks. Friendly advice, no matter the wording or tone, is received with disdain. Your first response is, "No" whenever you are offered a suggestion.
5. You feel all attention should be centered on you
You become moody when others have the spotlight. You might derail their time in the spotlight to bring the focus back to you. Interrupting others might be so habitual you don't notice you do it.
6. Forgiveness is not in your vocabulary
You find forgiving others difficult, especially when you feel you are owed an apology. You can carry deep grudges.
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It's important to see that being selfish is not the same as being hostile or mean-spirited. Selfishness is not directed against others. It is not delivered from a place of intentional harm or spite. t's a misguided way of making yourself feel more adequate or worthy that in its course of action disregards the thoughts and needs of other people.
There is no gene for selfishness, it's a learned behavior. That means like any other bad habit it can be changed. Your relationships, intimate or otherwise, are the perfect place to practice changing your mindset to confront your selfishness. Use the everyday interactions that go on in your relationship as opportunities to be less selfish. Take the time to consider the other people who are affected by your actions before you act. Make a conscious effort to shift your focus from me first to we first.
Evelyn and Paul Moschetta are marriage counselors, therapists, and workshop leaders who have written many books dealing with marriage including The Marriage Spirit.