3 Signs You're Not Depressed — You're Just Surrounded By Negativity, Says Psychologist
Surround yourself with people who uplift you.
Ksuha Romaniv | Canva "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by jerks." —William Gibson
When I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook wall, I laughed out loud with delight and recognition. It hit me on a subconscious level. Why did I like it so much? I couldn't tell you.
It even seemed wrong that I, a psychologist, would like the idea of blaming depression on others. And then there was the swearing bit.
But I did like it — a lot. Enough to share it on my Facebook wall. And others liked it — a lot. And I started asking myself, what is going on here?
People clearly related to this quote just like I did. I started thinking of my own life experience.
How many times did the behavior of others affect how I felt about myself? How many times did I have to leave relationships because of the damage they were doing to my self-esteem?
Here are 3 signs you're not depressed, you're just surrounded by negativity, says a psychologist:
1. They're happy in their stupidity.
And by stupid I don't mean unintelligent. Not being smart all the time can't be helped. No one can know everything about everything.
I know nothing about fly fishing except that it looks pretty when it's done right. Would I assume to teach someone, anyone, about fly fishing? No. But that doesn't stop this type of person.
The type of person is deliberately, obtusely dumb and happy in their stupidity.
Knowing nothing about fly fishing doesn't stop them from lecturing you as if they were prize-winning anglers.
2. They're loud and obnoxious
Can this type of person be quiet and shy? Maybe, but not in my experience.
Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Most of these people aren't interested in the give-and-take of conversation.
They monologue, take over, shout, get into your personal space, and don't even realize they're doing it. Or maybe they do it on purpose to intimidate. Either way, not nice.
3. They're selfish bullies
Selfish is NOT the same as self-caring. This type of person is self-centered in a way that's exclusive.
The feelings, thoughts, input, or contributions of others are minimized, cast aside, even ridiculed, in order to pump up their own sense of self-worth.
It's sad really, if it didn't come with the stupidity and the loudness.
So why do these people make us feel depressed? If we're exposed repeatedly to them, they can wear on our self-esteem.
Most of us are reared to be nice. Being nice means listening to others, sharing a conversation, pointing out the other person's good qualities, and reasonably expecting the other person to reciprocate. We respect others' opinions even if they aren't shared.
In fact, researchers believe that we are born with a moral compass in a sense.
We generally defer to authority. Nice people are slow to anger and tend to emphasize the positive (for everyone else, anyway).
Jerks, however, make us feel like dopes for being nice.
At first we might get angry, and if this is someone we only see once in a while we can be angry and get over it quickly.
But if they're someone we see every day at work or school, maintaining anger is very difficult.
Eventually, our self-esteem begins to erode leading to feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, sadness, and depression.
That's right: chronic emotional abuse can indeed lead to diagnosable depression, according to studies.
Where do we find these jerks? You can find them everywhere: at school, socially in your circle of friends, at church, at work, and in the family. And here's what you can do about them:
- Be honest with yourself. Give yourself permission to see the situation for what it is. Once you've identified that there's a person in your life who's harming you emotionally, you can begin the work of getting your self-esteem back.
- Take action. Taking action is what's important. Even if you can't change the relationship because this person is your brother, you can still take action.
- Reduce your exposure. The action you choose to take may be to stop seeing that person, request a transfer to another office, or calling them less frequently. In extreme cases, you may decide you need to break up with them altogether.
- Put into place healthy self-care strategies. That means keeping an eye on your sleep, eating, and exercise habits. Spend time with people (and animals) you can count on that make you feel good about yourself.
- Find a support system. Whether it's a therapist or a close friend, find someone who can help guide you through your recovery. If the damage done by this kind of exposure is deep, the journey to robust emotional health can be complicated. Be strong and get help.
Now that you know how to identify this type of person when you see them, it's time to pull yourself out of your feelings of depression and sadness and live a life free of these toxic people.
If you or somebody that you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
Dr. Elvira Aletta, psychologist, writer, speaker, and founder of Explore What’s Next.