5 Ways To Leave Your Lover
How can you finally tell him no?
getty Before meeting my husband-to-be, I was in a relationship with a guy who would only show interest in me after I decided to break up with him. To get me back into his orbit he would swear I was the love of his life. As soon as I returned, he would go cold as a dead snake on an iceberg.
What made me take him back more times than was healthy for anyone's tender self-esteem?
We give ourselves a lot of reasons, but the bottom line is that when we allow a guy to treat us as less important than we really are, our self-esteem is critically injured. Once our self-worth is low, it is too easy for the ex to come over the wall of our good defenses and pillage what's left of our confidence.
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What remains is fear. Fear that this jerky guy is as good as it gets. Fear of never finding love again. Fear of being alone with a dozen hungry cats for the rest of your life. This fear is so awful we make excuses (cognitive distortions) to stay in a bad or even a "not good enough" relationship.
Result? The discomfort of sticking with him is not nearly as scary as what your distorted thinking is imagining life without him is like. So you stay put. What's a girl to do? Fight back those nasty, distorted, self-esteem abusing thoughts with empowering, righteous, healthy goddess thoughts, of course!
While you may find it hard to leave your lover or learn how to break up with someone, especially someone toxic, here are some typical distorted thoughts with which we lie to ourselves, and suggestions for strong self-esteem building self-talk to combat them:
1. Instead of, "I'm afraid of being alone..."
Tell yourself: "I am not alone. I'm with Me. I am good company. If I get lonely, I can check out a website or connect with friends I haven't seen in ages. Most importantly, this time is an opportunity to dive into the world of Me and, for a change, listen to my heart first rather than someone else's."
2. Instead of, "But the sex is so good..."
Tell yourself: "Sweetie, it's time to grow up. The toxic effect he has on my self-esteem when we're not in bed is not worth the price. If I am that revved up, I might just explore the exotic, erotic world of self-stimulation. A lot of people say their best orgasms are experienced alone."
3. Instead of, "I've invested five years in this guy; I can't start all over now..."
Tell yourself: "Imagine yourself at 50 and you're thinking, 'Why didn't I get out when I had spent only five years with this jerk instead of 25!?'"
4. Instead of, "He says he needs some time to [fill in the blank] before he can make a commitment..."
Tell yourself: "What is this? A relationship or a lay-away program? In the service of self-respect I will not wait for you unless we have a mutually agreed up, reasonable plan. Without that, you can look me up when you are done crossing all your t's and dotting all your i's. You take your chances that, by then, I will still be interested."
5. Instead of, "He's as good as it gets..."
Tell yourself: "No, Baby, he's not. If being with him does not make me feel great about myself, I won't settle! This experience, as bad as it was, has not been a total waste. It's made me wiser, so when a guy who is true and kind and worthy of me does show up, I will recognize him."
I've counseled a lot of women who came to me to help them get unstuck from a hurtful relationship. Once they took the leap and faced their fears, they find the power to break up a bad relationship for good.
The result? A whole new level of happiness and pride because the engine of their self-worth is fueled — not from the outside-in, but from the inside-out.
Elvira Aletta, PhD, is an Executive, Personal Coach, and Individual and Relationship Counselor. She mentors EWN therapists, focusing on coaching and psychotherapy clients, writing and speaking.