Exactly What To Do — And More Importantly, What Not To Do — After Being Ghosted
They up and left without a trace. Now what?
getty Getting dumped can be painful, but when you get "ghosted" instead — that is, the person you've been dating simply breaks off contact and doesn't ever tell you why the relationship is over — it can hurt quite deeply, too.
If you're figuring out how to get over being ghosted or how to deal with a breakup when you have no closure, the good news is that you can do it.
Nobody wants a boyfriend or girlfriend to "ghost" them instead of actually explaining their reasons for the breakup, but more and more, it’s becoming part of the dating scene.
And why wouldn’t it?
It’s the perfect easy way (AKA the coward’s way) out. And modern things like online dating encourages — even rewards — consumers who have a very short attention span. (There are always plenty more profiles to choose from!) Etiquette, as previous generations knew it, is dead.
So how can you navigate your way through the do’s and don’ts of being ghosted? Don't worry, this list will break it down for you.
Here are 5 dos and don'ts for how to get over being ghosted:
What not to do after being ghosted:
1. Don’t rush back into dating
Your pride’s been hurt. Your self-belief has taken a bit of a beating. You need to rebuild yourself before you take the same risks again.
The simple rule that people won’t tell you is this: The more vulnerable you feel, the more likely you are to get hurt. Don't set yourself up for more of the same.
2. Don’t make it personal
It’s easy to tell yourself that if your date/boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly vanished, it's definitely your fault. Actually, it’s not.
It says a lot about them — that it’s a cowardly, superficial way of resolving a situation.
3. Don't try to get in touch with them
Truly, they haven’t fallen off the face of the Internet, lost their memory, or been kidnapped. They've just decided to go after someone else instead of you.
Don’t try to persuade them to come back because it won’t lead anywhere good. This is a relationship that wasn't right. The less you accept that, the more humiliated and rejected you’ll end up feeling.
4. Don’t try to uncover their reason for ghosting
Even if they were to give you a reason, they probably wouldn't tell you the truth. Do you seriously expect someone who has so little regard for your feelings to respect you enough to give you an honest answer?
Let it go and accept that moving on is the right thing to do.
5. Don’t fantasize about what "could have been"
Maybe you thought they were Mr./Ms. Right, and you'd have a wonderful happily-ever-after together. They didn’t. Now you know that — if you didn’t already — your imagination has a way of running away with you that only makes things harder.
You hardly knew them, and you certainly didn’t know who they truly were (which isn't half as lovable as you thought).
Make a binding promise to yourself like, "In the future, I will get to know someone before I fall in love with them."
How to get over being ghosted:
1. Cut yourself some slack
Don’t make an unhappy situation worse. There’s no point in blaming yourself or calling yourself stupid. (You’re not.)
You’re just a sucker for romance, and that’s worth knowing.
2. Learn from the experience
Your ex’s bad behavior is their responsibility, not yours. Still, your responsibility is that you were too trusting, too soon.
The lesson is to take things slowly next time and pay attention to the signs along the way. Take the time to review the situation and spot the warning signs you overlooked in the heat of the moment so you don't miss them next time.
3. Start seeing yourself as "precious"
Let’s face it, you didn’t really believe you were special, and they didn't either. You were delighted — even grateful — to have them. You may have asked yourself, "Am I worthy of them?"
Chances are, you didn’t seriously ask yourself, "Is this person worthy of me?"
4. Set ground rules
Next time around, what standards will you expect someone to meet in terms of behavior and not appearance?
What are you really looking for? It’s not good enough to have a shopping list of things you don’t want. Be clear about exactly how that person deserves the privilege of getting close to you is.
5. Celebrate that you're free of a bad situation
Anyone who ghosts you doesn't have a loving, generous honorable heart. In reality, they’re cruel, casual and hurtful. (They’re also very immature, and you're better off without that.)
Please don’t tell yourself that inside that hurtful person there’s a really sweet, loving person just waiting to get out — that’s called projection. You shouldn’t have to dig for what you want.
It makes much more sense to hold out for the right person for you who's loving and caring to the core.
The person who ghosted you did you a favor by leaving the way clear for you to meet the right person who will love and cherish you and the relationship you have.
Annie Kaszina was the serial relationship disaster who gave up on love, got bored with living man-free, and set about discovering the missing pieces of the happy relationship puzzle and working out a step-by-step method to finding lasting love. Go to her website to download her free report, The 3 Simple Steps to Magical Relationships.