6 Silly Mistakes Women Make That Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men, Instead Of Quality Ones
How to start attracting good guys, instead of emotionally unavailable men.
Lyndon Stratford | Canva Why is it that every man you meet seems to be emotionally unavailable? How is that even possible? And where have all the good guys gone? If you appear to be a veritable magnet for this kind of emotionally distant man, it’s probably starting to really bug you and get you down.
There are several dating common mistakes women make that cause them to keep attracting emotionally unavailable men. So if you want to break the cycle and start learning how to attract good guys instead, these dating tips can help you avoid another emotionally detached, toxic relationship. After all, the faster you know who you're dealing with, the faster you can drop a guy who's emotionally unavailable and move on.
Here are six reasons why you keep attracting emotionally unavailable men instead of good guys, and how to keep it from happening again:
1. You mistake his attraction to you for wanting a relationship
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You’re no fool and can tell when a man is clearly attracted to you. That’s not the problem. The truth is his attraction has nothing to do with wanting a relationship with you.
Men completely separate intercourse and relationships and are pros at sleeping with you without any attachment or feelings. You know this, right?
So why do you immediately assume that his attraction is proof he’s seriously interested in dating you? Yes, he might take you on a couple of dates, but that still doesn’t mean he wants a lasting relationship. What it does mean is he wants to hop in the sack with you and nothing more.
What does this mean if you frequently mistake his attraction for his desire for a relationship? You’ll be heartbroken repeatedly.
What can you do? Stop assuming these two things are in any way related. They are not. For most men, attraction does not leap ahead to love and relationship. Only women think like that.
An article by the Association for Psychological Science suggests that women can sometimes misinterpret a man's attraction as a desire for an entire relationship, mainly when they are unsure about his interest level. Studies indicate that women might be more drawn to men whose feelings are ambiguous or not clearly expressed, potentially leading them to assume a deeper level of commitment than intended by the man. This phenomenon is often linked to women being more selective in choosing partners, making them cautious in interpreting male advances.
2. You accept when he says one thing and does another
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You’re seeing this guy and he says all the right things. It’s pretty amazing. You’ve longed to hear a man tell you how wonderful you are, how beautiful and smart. He just knows what to say that makes you feel great.
Funny thing though, he doesn’t have time to see you. If you’re dating a man who talks about getting together but rarely sets a date or cancels often, he’s not into you. When it comes to understanding men, what matters most is what he does to spend time with you.
If he's all talk and no action, it means he’s not attached to you and is emotionally unavailable. It also means he’s keeping you on the hook in case he wants a little loving.
A 2015 study found that women might accept a partner saying one thing and doing another often points towards factors like cognitive dissonance, relationship dynamics, fear of conflict, low self-esteem, and the desire to maintain the relationship. However, it's important to remember that these dynamics can apply to anyone in a relationship, not just women accepting behavior from men.
3. You become attached, even though he said he's not ready for a relationship
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One of the biggest, easiest telltale signs of the emotionally unavailable man is he comes right out and tells you. “I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m not ready for a relationship. I just got out of a relationship and need space.” What trips up a lot of single gals is that he’ll add this to the end of the sentence: “But let’s see what happens.”
Many women thought this was perfectly fine because they think they don’t know what they want, either. But It's not true! You know you don’t want a casual relationship based on a physical connection, but you fall for this hook, line, and sinker anyway.
You‘re not sure he’s the one; you just met. But you figure, “We’ll see,” means you’ll both watch how things develop and that it could lead to a relationship. That is wrong, and it never works.
When a man comes right out and tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s a man being honest and upfront! That’s not a “we’ll see” sort of thing because he knows what he wants and a relationship is not it. Don’t listen to all the sweet talk, which is usually manipulative. When he says anything to push you away, including his admission of pursuing a physical relationship only, pay attention!
4. You mistake his lack of effort for spontaneity
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Sometimes women are so anxious to get a relationship going with a man they think is a great catch that they accept the crumbs he offers. Coffee on a weekend during the day. A rare date on a weeknight. Late night calls and asking to come over to talk.
It’s not that he’s too busy or not a good planner; he simply doesn’t respect you enough to treat you the way you deserve. He’s not that interested in you, but you help him get his needs met, anyway. You’re sweet, or thoughtful, do so much for him, or always drop what you are doing to make yourself available in his moment of need.
Once you let him know you’ll take whatever you can get of him, he’ll never put forth any effort again. You think you're being patient, understanding, and nice while he "gets his act together," but really, you’re being a doormat for this crummy guy. That’s no way to get what you want from him — a relationship.
He’ll be sweet to smooth things over if you complain, and you’ll believe him. But he’s just like all the other emotionally unavailable men. Happy to take what you’ll give.
He doesn’t need to earn you as his woman and so over time, he just loses all interest. You're not exciting or a challenge for him at that point.
5. You think you can "fix" his problems and make him a loving partner
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There are certain women who love a good project. Or they like to help the underdog. But do emotionally unavailable men change?
You find a man like this who appeals to you and looks like a great catch and you think, “I can fix this.” No, you can't. The only person who can fix being emotionally unavailable is the man himself.
Did you ever hear the therapy joke about a light bulb? Here’s how it goes: “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.”
That’s right; that great guy who's like all the other emotionally unavailable men has to want to change and then he has to make the change. You can’t help him do it.
What do you need some broken guy for, anyway? You don’t! You want a man who is relationship ready right now, not someday in the future.
A project guy might sound like fun if you like to fix things. But he’ll break your heart for one of two reasons:
- He tries, but never changes no matter how much you help him and you finally give up.
- He goes to therapy and makes the change with your support. Then he dumps you and marries the next woman.
I know you’ve heard this story many times about the super supportive woman who gets left behind. Don’t do this to yourself. You deserve love with a healthy and available man!
Findings from a 2010 study suggest that the perception of women attempting to change men in relationships is often linked to a combination of factors, including gendered communication styles, differing expectations about relationships, and a desire for personal growth within the partner, with women sometimes expressing this through offering advice or critique, which men can interpret as attempts to change them fundamentally. However, it's important to note that this is a generalization; not all women engage in this behavior, and not all men interpret it negatively.
6. You gloss over major warning signs because you want a relationship
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There are a number of other signs the man you’re seeing could be emotionally unavailable that you're ignoring. These include:
- He's evasive when answering questions
- Doesn’t introduce you to friends or family
- Talks mostly about himself
- Runs hot and cold
- Keeps you a secret from friends and family
- Exhibits controlling behavior
- Disappears for periods of time then comes back
- Totally charming
- Admits he’s not good at relationships
- Has problems with anger
- Doesn’t share much about himself
If you are serious about finding love, your best bet is to simply avoid the emotionally unavailable men pattern. As soon as you get the slightest inkling that he’s emotionally unavailable, walk away. Forget how much time you invested or how handsome or successful he is. If you want true love, he’ll never deliver.
It’s not that he’s mean or a bad person, he’s simply not capable. He doesn’t have the emotional IQ that you need to make him a worthy partner. The reason doesn’t matter either. Once you know this about a man, move on as quickly as possible.
A 2023 study published in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences suggests that women, like people in general, might ignore warning signs in potential partners due to a strong desire for a relationship, often fueled by factors like a fear of loneliness, the positive reinforcement of early attraction, and cognitive biases that lead to minimizing red flags or rationalizing problematic behavior, effectively creating an "idealized image" of the partner in their minds.
Sometimes, you are also emotionally unavailable. Perhaps you’ve been wounded by a man and now you have your guard up. That makes you emotionally unavailable, too.
If you fear rejection and being hurt again, you might be a bit less open in your approach to dating than you think. This is worth looking at and then working on. When your heart is open, you will attract good guys. A higher-caliber man is one who is open and ready for lasting love and a life-long romantic partnership.
Ronnie Ann Ryan is a love and dating coach for women who has helped thousands of successful single women with hot careers (but a chilly love life) find lasting love. Learn what makes a healthy relationship by listening to her free audio program, 5 Surefire Ways to Attract a Quality Man.