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Is he a busy, active guy ... or are you his secret side piece?
By Debra Smouse
Last updated on Apr 17, 2024
That last thing Dawn thought she would ever be is someone's mistress. Yet here she was, eight months into a "relationship with a guy we'll call Allen, realizing that's exactly what she was — his digital mistress.
Dawn began dating Allen shortly after her divorce. There was an exciting feel to the beginning of the relationship. They met through an online dating site, progressed to dinner, and the first kiss was sizzling knock-your-socks-off delicious. He wanted to know everything about her, and that flattered Dawn. He asked her questions no one ever had.
It wasn't long before Saturday night dinners and overnights became the norm.
They never got together for lunches or mid-week dinners, but Allen stayed in touch. They emailed a little and texted a lot. He texted each morning and wished her sweet dreams every night. She was basking in his seemingly constant attention.
Dawn was falling hard for Allen. Their digital exchanges seemed so private and so intimately one-on-one.
About eight weeks in, something changed.
What is a digital mistress?
Being a digital mistress is a new twist on an old concept. People create one-sided relationships with lots of (sexual) benefits. They feed the relationship just enough energy to keep you interested and the sex flowing. The difference is that texting, email, and instant messaging make it easier to keep this sort of relationship going.
Here are 19 signs you're his digital mistress
1. The relationship starts with regular dates
Then it slowly morphs into more texting and less face-to-face time.
2. It feels as if you're in a long-distance relationship
You only see each other once or twice a month. (Hint: most likely, you've become part of his rotation of gals.)
3. All of his texts use nicknames
Sweetheart, Sweetie, Sugar, Darling, etc. This makes it easier for him to copy the text and send it to multiple women at the same time.
Photo: violator22 via shutterstock
4. You only do things alone together.
Though he talks about his friends, you aren't included. You tell yourself he doesn't want to share you or let his friends hit on you.
5. He texts you the same text at the same time of day
"I hope you have a great day" and "Sweet dreams, Sugar, wish I was there to keep you warm" or "Finally breaking for lunch and was thinking about how sexy you are."
6. He always seems to text for his needs
When he's bored, lonely, or horny. Or stuck in traffic.
7. His texts are all physical
The text exchanges mostly involve sexy pictures, sexual innuendo, or sexting.
8. You are never together during the day
You never go out for lunch or do other daytime activities together. All of your dates are at night or planned around sex.
9. You don't hear the word "love"
Though he texts you that he loves you, he never says those words in person.
10. "Send nudes"
He often requests "sexy" (read: naked or provocative) photos.
11. You feel objectified
When you plan a date, he always asks you to wear something that's impractically sexy — like stockings or a corset. It isn't that you don't love nice lingerie, but you feel like you're putting on a costume for every date. And he asks you to give him a photographic tease of what you'll be wearing.
12. Solo photo only
Speaking of photos, he always takes photos of you or requests photos of you, but you never take photos together.
13. A pattern of inconsistency with dating
Date night doesn't lead to planning your next date. Instead, you plan the next rendezvous days later via text or email.
14. You feel connected from afar
You feel connected to him and showered with attention, yet realize you don't get much face-to-face time.
15. He hides you from his work
Though you may occasionally talk about work, he never lets you meet him at his office or be a part of any work function.
16. His social media is on lockdown
You email and text, but aren't friends on social media. And, when you look him up on Facebook, there's a picture of him looking hot, but you can't see his feed or his friends.
17. Did I say, it's all about physical intimacy?
Most of your phone conversations are for phone sex, after a series of hotter-than-hot texts.
18. He never invites you to his place.
There's less chance you (or anyone else) would leave evidence behind that he's seeing other women.
19. He seems to always know when you're feeling doubtful or vulnerable and swoops in with just the right text.
He's attuned to your texting pattern and can see when it shifts, so he's extra attentive and then follows up with an extra nice night out, ending of course with sizzling hot sex and maybe breakfast the next morning.
Here's how Dawn discovered she was a digital mistress.
Seeing through Allen's excuses
Allen went on a combined business trip and golf weekend with his buddies in Miami. It broke their Saturday night routine, but she didn't see that as a deal breaker. He continued sending her sexy texts and suggested a sexy video chat session. But when he returned, the relationship began to shift. Those every Saturday night dates soon became every other Friday dates. Another business trip broke that cycle, and soon he was suggesting drinks (followed by sex) on a Thursday here or there.
Yet, Dawn didn't see too many red flags. She made excuses about him being so busy with work. And spring meant more motorcycle rides and golf games with his buddies. And besides, he was always texting her.
Then, she got a text that didn't make sense — confirming brunch on Sunday when they had just agreed to dinner on Friday. He made excuses about auto-correct and fat fingers and reconfirmed their hot date on Friday, begging her to wear something super sexy.
But curiosity got the better of her, and while he was sleeping that Friday night, she snuck his phone out of his pants pocket and looked at his texts. He had ongoing conversations with five other women. He identified each woman by city — she was Dallas Dawn, and he had a Fort Worth Felicia, Miami Mary, Chicago Chloe, and DC Danielle. The texts' contents were often similar, and there were a lot of sexy photos, too.
Photo: Roman Samborskyi via Sutterstock
Dawn realized Allen was a player and she was a digital mistress.
Dawn never confessed to Allen she snooped on his phone, but she did tell him she was ready for more commitment. He told her he wasn't ready but didn't want to lose her. Now that Dawn knew the red flags of being someone's digital mistress, her next relationship was healthier, and though they texted to keep in contact, they spent more time face-to-face.
Three years later, Dawn is happily engaged. And Allen? After Allen continued to text Dawn now and then, she finally had to change her number to get him to stop.
If you suspect you're his digital mistress, then listen to your gut. It's probably right.
You could be the only woman he's seeing and still be his digital mistress. Texting with you is easier than committing to you. He gets your time and attention, which makes him feel wanted and desired. But he doesn't have to complicate his life by sharing it with you.
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Debra Smouse is a life coach and author whose work has been published in TIME, Huffington Post, MSN, Psychology Today, and more.