How Innocent Friendships With Married Men Become Affairs
Is a friendship with a married man ever innocent?
B item1111, clearstockconcepts | Canva In my 15 years of coaching, women have come to me over and over again with the same problem: Falling for a married man. The story always begins the same way: "There's this guy... he's so great. We connect in every way and he makes my heart flutter like a schoolgirl. I know, I know. He's married. But we've only gone on a couple of innocent dates..."
Then, the guy makes his move. From the beginning, he tells you what a great friend you are — and how nice it is to finally meet someone he can talk to. You eat it up, thinking to yourself, "Yes, talking. That's all we're doing..."
How innocent friendships with married men become affairs
Then suddenly things change. He seems different. Before you know it, he makes his move. He springs it upon you ever so slyly, making you feel special; making you feel unique. He'll say things like, "Wow, my wife just doesn't listen to me like you do." Or, "She just doesn't understand me. And it's really nice to be with a woman that does."
He'll tell you this over a glass of Tempranillo as he looks longingly into your eyes, sweetly brushing a stray hair from your face. It's kryptonite for the nurturing woman. And it kind of sounds like a date. A date with a married man.
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On the surface, he looks like the All-American dad.
On the surface, he looks like a great husband. He tells everybody that it's okay his marriage isn't passionate. He's grown so much as an individual that he thinks he doesn't need wild, fulfilling intimacy anymore. He'd rather have somebody who's a great mother than someone with great passion because "passion dies."
He's convinced himself of this. And it's sad because he's trying to convince himself he's in a relationship he wants. But really, he's unhappy. He's lonely, and he sees you as an opportunity for escape. You deserve more than that; you're better than an escape route. So, how do you spot this guy right from the beginning? Well, he's usually the man who immediately wants to be your "friend." Yet, these men are never just friends with women. They're only friends with women they're attracted to. That's how it starts.
It all begins with a mental or emotional affair; he'll frame your interaction as a harmless business.
For example: "Hey, let's have a business dinner," or "Hey, let's grab a drink after work." He'll flirt with you in ways that seem all so innocent. But let me tell you something: this so-called "happily married man" is not happy.
He's going to flirt with you innocently. He's going to send you little texts to tell you he read an article or saw something that reminded him of you, and it's all going to seem so "friendshipy" — almost like you met a good female friend. But in reality, he's planting the seed for your future affair. You're certainly not the first, and according to the Institute for Family Studies, about 20% of men have reported cheating on their wives.
He'll even tell his wife about the great friendship the two of you have or bring it out in the open because he doesn't want to believe he's going to cheat.
I've met many of these guys. They talk such a good game, but they're living a compromised existence. They wanted something from life but never truly believed that they could have everything. Now they find themselves "stuck" in an unfulfilling life, settling for less than what they know is possible.
Beware of this. Never fall for their flattery. They're not going to leave their wives. They're looking for an affair, whether it is mental, emotional, physical, or all three. Ask yourself what it is you want, and why you desire men you can't have. Maybe there is a tiny bit of loneliness and lack of fulfillment within you, and that's what is attracting men in similar situations. Look at the people who are coming into your life as signposts for what is going on inside of you.
If you find yourself excited by the overly friendly man in the wedding ring, consider whether you have some internal issues to work out.
After that, run — preferably in the direction of available men not hampered by preexisting relationships.
David Wygant was a dating coach who spent the past 20 years helping men and women transform their love lives. As a lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post, his advice has been offered across television, newspapers, and magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.