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Men fear marriage more than you think.
By David Wygant — Last updated on Nov 27, 2023
I've been around the dating industry for 20-odd years now, and I've heard every reason under the sun for why men are scared of marriage. You've probably heard most of them yourself. "Men don’t want to commit because they're not built to stay with one woman. Men won't marry because they would rather spend their lives running around sleeping with as many women as they can."
Now, of course, men can be dogs, but trust me, I can tell you that the reasons some men are afraid of marriage have nothing to do with fear of jumping off the intimacy merry-go-round of life. So why are some men afraid of m..m..m..marriage? Let's have a look, shall we?
Here are the 5 brutally honest reasons men don't want to get married:
1. Weddings are expensive
The average American wedding costs something like $30,000. For most people, especially in this economy, that's a lot of money. Of course, not all weddings have to be lavish and like something out of a Disney movie, but believe it or not, the wedding is important to men, too.
When you see anything about weddings in the media, it's always presented as if only the woman cares about the day, and that men are just along for the ride. That's a huge myth. Men are proud creatures, and we want to give you the best day possible. We know how important your wedding day is to you, and we want to deliver on all of the hopes and dreams you have for the occasion.
Can't the father of the bride pay for everything?
In theory and tradition, we live in tough times. Not all middle-aged men have $30k lying around to pay for a wedding. Plus let's not forget that weddings have become even more expensive than ever before. You only have to look at the wedding planning industry to know that! Even just hiring someone who knows what they’re doing can set you back $10k or more!
Weddings are pricey and most guys are afraid of letting you down or not meeting your expectations. It certainly doesn't set the tone for a happy marriage.
2. Everyone tells us marriage is bad
Popular media has a lot to answer for here, too. Think about it. All we hear in the news is about which famous celebrity is getting divorced for the fourth time. The number of adverts for family and divorce lawyers is crazy, and every time you watch a male stand-up comedian, all you hear are jokes about divorce and how terrible marriage is.
How many jokes have heard over the years about terrible mothers-in-law, and about how love dies like a goldfish on the carpet when you tie the knot? It certainly doesn't promote the idea that marriage is an enjoyable life experience.
What about the gossip magazines out there? Look on the fronts and you'll see stories like, "My Husband Ruined My Life And Ran Off With My Mother" and "Woman Stabs Husband To Death After Mistakenly Thinking He Was Cheating."
Between that and all the depressing marriage and divorce statistics out there, it's little wonder that men think twice about sticking a ring on your finger.
3. Divorce is expensive
No man gets married with a plan of getting divorced, but we know that it can happen. Is divorce cheap? NO. Is divorce pleasant? NO.
Most of us know someone who's gone through divorce and we know about the anger, the resentment, the legal fees, the children that are dragged into it, the loss of friends. Divorce isn't just expensive in financial terms. It's expensive in emotional terms, and no man wants to think of his children or family being dragged into a long drawn-out affair, full of frustration and nastiness.
Men with children are even more likely to be afraid of marriage because as statistics show, divorce almost certainly means a big loss of contact. No man wants to risk only seeing his family every other weekend.
4. We're afraid of losing the spark
I can't tell you how many people I've heard say things like, "The spark just died after we got married."
There's so much scaremongering out there about marriage that it's crazy. You only have to turn on the television or open the newspapers to read articles about saving your marriage or fixing your dying relationship. Nobody goes into a marriage expecting it to go wrong, but society has almost programmed us to assume there's a good chance it will go wrong.
This isn't something that just affects men either. I know women who are starting to worry about the prospect of marriage. Not because they don't want the big Disney wedding they always dreamed of, but because they're also terrified by all the horror stories out there.
5. We love you with or without a ring
Times are changing. We're in a world where same-sex marriages are on the up, and women have the kind of equality they deserve (and about darn time, too!). If a man is in a committed, long-term relationship with you, why should a ring have to prove that he loves you any more than he does?
If you're living together, if you have a family, and if you have financial commitments, you're bound in the eyes of the law anyway. A ring doesn't equal love to most men. We all show love and affection in different ways. Wouldn't you take a lifetime of love with a man who adores you, showers you with affection, treats your children like royalty, and spends his whole life devoted to you over a short, miserable marriage?
Am I saying marriage is a bad thing? Not at all! Marriage is a beautiful thing. All I'm saying is that marriage doesn't always have to be the outcome of a relationship. I'm saying that men aren't all marriage adverse. I'm saying that we can be totally besotted with you without putting a ring on your finger.
And I'm saying, please don't worry. If he isn't popping the question, it doesn't mean that he's about to be with another woman. Maybe he's just afraid of marriage changing what you have, or that finances mean he can't give you the princess wedding he wants to!
If you've been with a guy for a while and want to know why he hasn't got down on one knee, why not show him this article? Maybe he'll admit to having one of these fears. On the other hand, if he tells you it's because he's scared you'll turn into his mother, or that the intimacy will go south, tell him to get out of there. He sounds like a jerk who doesn't deserve a beautiful loving woman like you.
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David Wygant is a dating coach who spent the past 20 years helping men and women transform their love lives. As a lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post, his advice has been offered across television, newspapers, and magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.