The 'No-Big-Deal' Betrayal That Causes The Most Divorces, According To Research
Improve your relationship's health to avoid this divorce-inducing betrayal.
dimaberlinphotos | Canva Communicating openly, honestly, and without reservation or fear, sounds easy. So why is it so difficult for us to believe and trust each other? Why do we insist on sneaking around our partner's emails, texts, and personal stuff? A relationship and dating expert has some alternatives to help you start truly communicating.
I'm sharing a very personal idea. I believe relationships should be built on trust, honesty, and respect for each other's personal space. This is a blueprint for building a trusting, loving relationship. Even though some of what I'm about to say may be challenging to accept, listen closely since it could improve your relationship's health.
The no-big-deal betrayal that causes the most divorces is snooping and here's why:
1. Snooping successfully kills trust
A lot of people snoop. They dig into their partner's e-mail. They check all the messages on their phone. I've met a ton of people who have admitted to snooping at one time or another into a partner's private stuff when they weren't around. They call it intuition and justify it by saying they knew something was up and just wanted peace of mind, as explored in an American Psychological Association (APA) study of trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse.
Never, ever snoop. When you snoop, you will find something. You'll find something about which you can create a story — even if it's completely innocent. They might be flirting with an ex because they have had a row with you. It's their way of trying to figure things out. Or it could be their way of getting over the argument.
Different people process things in different ways, and our egos love to be validated by people from our past and people in our present. It doesn't mean they're about to cheat on you. Allow your partner to have their personal space. Their inbox is their inbox. You can confront them and ask if they're having an emotional affair, physical affair, or anything else, but don't snoop because you'll find something you don't like.
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2. Trust is eroded by snooping
If you want to ask your partner something, ask them. If things don't feel right, discuss it at the moment. If they still don't feel right, continue to have that conversation. Studies from the APA on the effects of the silent treatment support that to build a trusting relationship, you need to build it from the beginning. Your person needs to feel comfortable discussing everything with you.
If they talk about their needs, wants, and desires with you, make sure you respond positively. If you ignore what they're telling you, they are going to retreat into themselves and pull back emotionally. If there are things you can't satisfy, be open and honest and tell them. Remember this is a two-way street. The relationship may not be what you think.
3. Snooping leads to keeping bigger secrets
There should be no secrets. Phone calls should be taken in front of each other. Whenever a friend calls, you shouldn't leave the room or whisper since it'll create mistrust, as shown in an APA study of secrets and conflict in romantic relationships. You should be able to communicate in front of each other. You should be able to work in front of one another. You should be able to text in front of one another. Life should be an open book. If it's an open book, you'll trust one another.
If you truly can't find it in yourself to trust your partner, look honestly at the relationship and ask yourself some hard questions about whether it's the best match for either of you. Relationships are built on trust. Snooping and not talking honestly and openly are relationship killers waiting to strike. Keep these tips in mind and I guarantee your next relationship will be far more rewarding.
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David Wygant was a dating coach who spent the past 20 years helping men and women transform their love lives. As a lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post, his advice has been offered across television, newspapers, and magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.