The Conversational Mistake That Will Stop A First Date In Its Tracks
Stop saying this if you want a guy to like you.
Photodjo | Canva Do you know the worst possible thing you could do when meeting a new guy? As a dating coach for women over 40, I will tell you so you never have to worry about making this self-sabotaging mistake again.
The conversational mistake that will stop a first date
Let me give you a scenario to illustrate how this is such a problem. Maybe you are meeting a guy for your first coffee date.
In the dating business, this is called "Date Zero." See, it's not really a date. It's a meeting to see if the two of you have enough in common and enough chemistry to go on an actual first date. Research from the University of Colorado-Boulder tells us couples must be alike to last.
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Okay, so you walk in on a Tuesday night. You had a tough day at work, and the traffic on your way home stunk. Laundry is piling up at home, along with other things hanging over your head. If you have kids, there's homework and dealing with the babysitter. Or maybe your ex has the kids this night. You wanted to freshen up, but who had time for that? What a day.
You walk into the place and look for the guy. After you spot him, you go over and sit down. Thankfully, he asks what you want to drink, and you order coffee or maybe a glass of wine to help you relax after such a busy day!
What do you talk about first? Perhaps he asks, "How was your day?" And you start to tell him.
First, this happened, then your boss said ... There was an accident on the expressway; the copier was broken again, and your computer has some stupid virus. Plus, it's the end of the month, and all these reports are due. Whew, you tell him how crazy busy your life is!
Oh no! That's when the sirens and buzzers go off in his head. Major red flags about you pop up because it sounds to him like you are way too busy to date him.
That's it. It only takes one thing like this, and your chances with Mr. Wonderful dissolve under your nose. Even though he might not show it, he sits back more in his chair and relaxes. Not because he feels so at ease with you but because he no longer cares.
Like many men, he gets turned off when a woman opens up about how busy her life is and starts complaining during the first conversation. It's just not attractive.
I'm not saying you can't talk about your life, but this is a first date, right? You want to give him a good impression.
One 2009 study indicates that people judge you based on your clothing style and posture when making a first impression.
You want him to think you've got your life together. You want him to think you are happy and easy to be with. But when you complain and talk about how busy your life is, what he hears is:
- "She has a lot of problems."
- "Is this really her best?"
- "She's going to be hard to get together with."
- "Ugh, this isn't fun. I could be watching the game."
- "She won't have much time for me."
- "Will I have to listen to this all the time?"
- "I don't want to hear this. Too bad, she's really cute."
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I want you to understand men and how they see you. Knowing how this works changes your dating experience because it puts you in control. In addition, I want you to be as open as possible so you don't miss any chances of connecting with the right guy.
This can happen easily when you have limiting thoughts or attitudes that prevent you from finding love. Many women are not even aware of what is preventing them from finding love.
Do you know what might be keeping you from finding the love of your life? My bet is you are not entirely in touch with it. You may have clues. You may think it's all about how men nowadays stink. You may think there just aren't any good men, or you don't know where to find them. In 11 years as a dating coach, I have found that the reasons probably go a bit deeper.
I recommend taking some time over the following weekend to think about this. Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you fun on a first date?
- Do you present your best self?
- Are you there to share your troubles or find the love you long for?
Then, consider how you want to appear on your next first date. I bet things will go differently if you do this exercise.
Ronnie Ann Ryan is an Intuitive Coach, Past Life Reader, and author of six books. She’s the creator of the free audio course How to Ask the Universe for a Sign and Get an Answer Within 24 Hours. She's been published on ABC, BBC, and NPR.