Millionaire Matchmaker Dating Advice: No Sex Until Monogamy?

Thinking about sleeping with him? Make sure you two are into it for the same reasons.

By Ronnie Ann Ryan — Written on Mar 03, 2014

Dating Coach: Patti Stanger & Millionaire Matchmaker Sex Advice

Patti Stanger, Bravo TV’s Millionaire Matchmaker, is known for her rule of "No sex before monogamy," and she constantly reminds us of this at her mixer events. By making the man wait, she thinks he'll respect you more. But is that realistic? Can you hold out for that timeline? Who knows how long it will take for the two of you to agree on exclusivity — that could be weeks or months.

The question of when to get intimate is difficult for women at any age; there are so many things to consider when making this decision. Volumes have been written offering guidance and warnings about having sex too quickly.

Some women question why they'd want to be monogamous if they haven't sampled the merchandise; sexual compatibility is an important issue for many singles. Marcia King-Gamble shared a quote from one of her Facebook fans, "Would I buy a pair of shoes without trying them on?" Women who feel this way don't want to hold off too long to then discover the chemistry is off. Hmmm, that does make a gal think.

Let's not forget the long-standing "Three Date Rule," which many men subscribe to, thinking you'll sleep with them on the third date because that's what's expected. I remember this stereotype back in the 1980's and it's still around today. There are women who worry the guy will walk away if she doesn't sleep with him on date three, especially the handsome, rich guys — the ones who seem like really good catches.

But believe it or not, some guys have traditional ideas about sleeping together quickly and may think you are too easy for hopping into bed on date three. They might date you for a while, but won't consider you for a long-term, serious relationship. This infuriating double standard has been around for eons. No matter how much equality between the sexes has been achieved, some guys will hold to this archaic concept.

I'm not concerned with what men think
As a dating coach for women over 40, I have a very different perspective on when to sleep with a guy. Frankly, I'm not that concerned about what the man thinks about you depending on your timing for hopping in the sack. What matters more is how you feel about yourself, because that has long-term impact.

Ask yourself these questions: If you have sex quickly and he doesn't call again, will you feel guilty? Will you feel used? Will you feel crushed? Maintaining your self-esteem and how you feel about yourself is my primary concern.

How will you feel about yourself?
We don't have control over what anyone else thinks about us, and that's why I'm not so worried about what you can't change. However, you are in charge of what YOU think about yourself. If you are good at separating romance and sex and can roll with whatever the outcome is from your night together, then you are free to do as you like. There's nothing wrong with sleeping with someone at any point in the relationship; that's not the issue.

The issue is that many women naturally bond and become attached after sex. The hormone oxytocin floods your system, and it's partly responsible for those loving feelings. That's why waiting for monogamy, as Patti suggests, is helpful; there is a greater chance that your relationship will grow stronger after intimacy.

Premature attached leads to heartbreak
Unfortunately, many women find themselves prematurely attached to men who might not have the best of intentions. When you are intimate quickly, you can't know for sure if he is the right guy, no matter how he might seem. The majority of men have the ability to separate love and sex in their minds. If you sleep with a guy who appeared to be into you, but just wanted to get his rocks off, the harsh disappointment of never hearing from him again can be heartbreaking.

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In addition, when this happens several times in a row, the rejection can eat away at your self-esteem. Your confidence may falter as you start to wonder what is wrong with you and why this keeps happening. As a dating coach for 12 years, I want to point out that there is nothing wrong with you. It's simply part of the dating game and is bound to occur.

Yet, if you know you bond quickly and mistakenly think sex has meaning, you might want to change your tactics and wait for a relationship that shows some longevity. This can only be determined with time and consistent dates prior to sleeping together. I suggest making self-preservation your priority, rather than connecting through sex too quickly.