By Bobbi Palmer — Written on Jul 07, 2010
I get asked this question constantly. Women who are dating want to know this; especially women who are divorced and over 40, and haven’t been dating for some time. They also want to know how they can tell if sex is all he wants.
Good questions. The truth is that whether you’re dating at 20, 40, or 70 you’re going to question how long you should wait – and he will wait – before you get intimate. And you certainly want to be able to spot the guys who just want to hop in the sack and then go on to the next gal.
On July 14th I will be hosting a free event with a panel of men who will answer this and many other of our burning questions about women, dating and relationships. Here is a sneak peek: a response from one of the men who will be on my Man Panel: John Armenta, a 44 year old, good looking, smart single guy from New Mexico.
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Q: When Do Men Expect to Have Sex With Us and how can we tell if that’s all he wants?
A: I have never EXPECTED a woman to have sex with me. That is a neolithic [my translation: stone age] mind set. I prepare to have sex with a woman - in fact, I am prepared right now! (wait for laughter to subside) But if a woman decides she wants to share something so intimate, then I can only be honored by her gift.
There is something to this “three dates” rule. The reason you DON’T have sex on the first date, or perhaps even the second, is because you simply don’t know each other well enough. I mean you HAVE to get to know each other first, and that takes time – more than just one night, even if it IS all night.
A true grown up man will have sex when BOTH of you are ready. That could be three dates; It could be three years. Also, and in spite of my little quip a few lines back, just because you offer yourself doesn’t mean he is ready to have you. A man isn’t going to just have a romp in the hay with you if he is decent and has any amount of respect for you.
You can tell that all a man wants is sex by the way he is treating you on the first date. If he is acting like a child, a sex crazed adolescent, keeps touching you inappropriately, can’t seem to find his manners, then he is obviously not respecting you, your feelings, or your humanity. This is another reason you get to know the guy first. If he is just looking to get laid, and you insist on being respected, and hold to the “three dates” rule, then he is going to quickly move on to his next potential conquest. If there is not a date number three, then that is a pretty good sign he was just looking to get in your pants – err – up your skirt, or he just didn’t have the chemistry with you.
Note: I had three dates with an attractive woman who was ten years older than me. By date number three I knew it was a dud. Again, she was very attractive, but I had some problems with her being “snippy”. There’s more to it, but clearly, there has to be more than physical attraction to create chemistry.
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There you go. Interesting, yes? (And haven’t I told you that you need to pay close, thoughtful attention to how a man treats you on the first few dates?) If you want to learn more about John’s thoughts as well as those of a few other fantastic men, join us on July 14th for my free virtual event: Grownup Girls’ Night Out: A View From the Frog Pond. (I know…I told you to never call them frogs.)