Mom Wonders How To 'Get Over' Not Having Any More Kids — 'My Partner Is Definitely Done'
She's happy with the family she has, yet also feels a sense of loss for the family she'd imagined.
William Fortunato / Pexels The mom of a 2-year-old and an 8-month-old wrote to the r/parenting subreddit to let off some emotional steam about a ‘forever funk’ she’s found herself in. She’s not sure how to shift her mindset surrounding a very particular stage in life — having another baby.
The mom wonders how she should ‘get over’ the fact that she won’t have any more kids.
She’s having a hard time letting go of the fact that she won’t have more than two kids, as her partner is “definitely done” having kids. The mom always pictured herself having a large family, yet she and her partner decided to only have two kids, due to their “later start.”
She explained the permanence of the decision to stop after having two kids, saying, “I had my tubes removed in my last C-section. This is a choice I wholly regret, even though it was well thought out at the time and I did feel done at that point.”
The mom describes just how mixed her emotions are, noting that when her friends announce their pregnancies, she feels “so so excited for them, but it pings my heart just a bit.”
“I know it’s silly, and that I should be grateful for the family I have,” she insists. “And I totally am — the boys are my absolute world.”
Lamenting that she wants to “get [her] mind right” about the finality of the decision to stop trying to conceive after having a second baby.
The mom noted an unavoidable and emotionally fraught part of parenting — every first time is also a last time.
Like most moms, she's excited when her youngest son does something new, yet she also feels sad, because “they’re our last firsts.”
In the comments section, many other moms chimed in to empathize with her sadness over being done with having kids. As the mom of a 4-month-old shared, “What has helped me is acknowledging the good and bads of the lasts.” She explained, “I'm devastated we will never have another newborn, but I'm excited to never have to go through the newborn sleep stage again.”
Photo: MART Production / Pexels
The mom who made the original post came back to the comments to express her gratitude for that suggestion. She explained that newborn nursing was an especially challenging part of her parenting journey, noting, “I do not want to go through that start-up again and it’s nice my second is on some solids and sleeping through the night.”
Another mom described her interpretation of the difficult emotions that accompany the decision to not have more kids, saying, “It’s a grieving process in a way… It takes time.”
“I think most women go through it, no matter how many kids they have,” she continued. “I have no advice other than to say you’re not alone and what you are going through is normal.”
The mom of teenagers echoed that sentiment, saying, "I still have moments of sadness and grief, because I love babies and just watching kids grow so much.” She explained her husband’s approach to addressing those feelings, which is to remind her that “this is a good thing, that I have such pleasant memories to grieve.”
Photo: Keira Burton / Pexels
Another mom offered practical guidance on how to navigate that sense of grief, saying, “When I start to feel those pangs, I acknowledge them, remind myself of all of our whys, and then go about my day.”
Psychologist Maria Schmid explained to Today's Parent that as a society we are conditioned to celebrate new beginnings in life, so it can be difficult to find joy in the endings. That includes parenthood. Deciding your family is complete means redefining who you are. She adds, “We must navigate the expansion and contraction of ourselves in relation to who we thought we were, what we expected to become, and the reality of who we are.”
The mom’s situation is a prime example of how two things can be true at one time.
She’s able to love and appreciate the family she has, while also feeling a sense of mourning for the family that she imagined she’d have. The complex duality of her emotions proves that above all else, she’s human, complete with conflicting feelings, and all of her feelings are valid.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers parenting, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.