A Man Wonders If He’s 'Missing Out' Because He Only Feels ‘Cozy, Warm Married Vibes’ Towards His Girlfriend Of 3 Years
There are benefits to boring relationships.
Leloo The First / Pexels On a recent episode of the podcast “Give It To Me Straight,” hosts Jon and Alex shared a situation from a man who was concerned about his feelings for his girlfriend of the past three years. The unnamed man wrote to the podcast, saying, “I’m currently in a three-year relationship with a girl that I live with. Everything felt nice at the beginning and is still nice.” However, the man wondered if he was "missing out" on something better.
He explained that he only feels ‘coziness, warmness,’ and married vibes for his girlfriend of three years.
He framed his situation by explaining ‘“the problem is that I can’t feel anything towards her other than the feeling of coziness, warmness, and all kinds of married-for-ten-years” feelings.
He acknowledged the emotional bind he had settled into, going back and forth between feeling “lucky that I found someone that I’m comfortable with and who knows me so well,” and wondering if he was “too young” to be missing out on the passion and feelings he thinks life might offer.
Two other men gave their honest perspectives on his worries by stitching together a reaction post. A man named Jeff asked both a rhetorical and practical question: “What else do you want?”
Photo: Arina Krasnikova / Pexels
“I don’t get it, and this is men and women — What else do you want out of relationships?” He reiterated. Jeff believes that the real issue at hand is “the fear of missing out,” which he claimed “will ruin this generation.”
He detailed his theory on relationships, noting that he wouldn’t call any partner a perfect match. He said, “You will get and find a semi-match, someone that does 80% [for] you and you’re out here, worrying about the 20%.”
His equation for romantic partnerships is based on realistic expectations. No one person can satisfy all of our relational needs at one time, yet finding someone who fits most of our criteria — that 80 percent — is something to be valued, not pushed aside because we’re scared we don’t have that elusive spark.
Confusing a stable, well-adjusted relationship with a boring one is an easy trap to fall into.
Being comfortable with a partner doesn’t always equal being complacent. Every relationship has its own nuance, as people’s patterns of desire and lust differ. Not everyone feels the electric spark of first attraction. Not everyone has the passionate months of a honeymoon period. Feeling comfortable with someone is something to run towards, not away from. With comfort comes vulnerability, and connection, the deepening of a relationship past that initial spark.
In her vast work, psychotherapist Ester Perel speaks to ways that long-term couples can keep intimacy and passion alive, even after years of being together.
“When you love, how does it feel?” Perel asked. “And when you desire, how is it different?”
“This is the first time in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term, and not because we want 14 children … and not because it is exclusively a woman’s marital duty,” Perel noted. “This is the first time that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.”
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Yet so much of a deep connection can only arise with true intimacy, which comes from feeling safe and comfortable.
Another man named John also stitched the podcast’s post, qualifying the man’s concern as an emotional gratification issue of the “iPad, iPhone, wi–fi generation.”
“Your biggest enemy is boredom,” he proclaimed. He noted that while the man didn’t mention how old he was, John said, “I guarantee you, he’s below 30.”
“Do you know how rare it is to be so comfortable with someone you feel nothing but love?” he asked.
“A lot of people get being in a healthy relationship mixed up with boredom. That’s why y’all love toxicity,” John explained. “Toxic people keep you guessing, keep you on your toes, keep you in a state of fresh anxiety. And y’all call that love.” His point of view traces back to the idea that to feel fully accepted and cared for, for exactly who we are, is rare.
Two people can still create sparks in a long-term relationship. They might feel different than before, but they’re still there, and they grow from the closeness and vulnerability two people share when they are deeply comfortable with one another.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationships, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.