Goodbye Is So Much More Than Just A Word For Me
Goodbye hurts a lot more for me than it should.
Viktoriya Pavliuk / Shutterstock By Emma Spear
“Goodbye.”
Ugh, I absolutely hate that word. It’s not that there are many people who actually like the word and the actions that align with it. But for me, goodbyes are painful and happen more than I’d like them to.
Throughout my life, I’ve always been known as “the quiet one.” People tend to overlook and forget about me. They also ignore me and forget I’m around.
I’ve been in a room filled with people and felt like I’m alone more than I will ever admit.
I’ve never really understood this.
People always tell me I’m cool and I’m easy to talk to, yet it feels like no one talks to me when they’re able to. It feels as if there’s always someone cooler or funnier around, and it stings.
There are times when I just want to talk to someone and no one’s around.
Or they’re around but they half listen until someone else comes along and they can talk to them. Or they say to text them anytime and they don’t respond or give half-assed responses.
What am I supposed to do then?
Currently, I have one friend in my life (and she lives in Denmark).
Don’t get me wrong, I have people in my life who I know care about me, who I know will be there for me if I need them. But to have a friend to meet up and get coffee with, to go out and do something on the weekend?
I’m on my own. I have to be my own best friend. People think I’m joking when I say I have no friends, but I wish I was because life is pretty lonely for me.
It’s not hard for me to make friends, but it’s hard for me to keep them.
I’ve been through a lot in my life, more than anyone at my age should ever have to go through. And I think to a degree this scares people, not because of what I’ve been through, but because of the hardships that I’ve been through because of it.
Unfortunately, I’ve learned that people tend to drop out of your life when life gets tough. And for the past few years, that’s what my life has been.
I am a damn good friend who will go to the end of the earth for you. I will drop what I’m doing and be there the second you need me, no questions asked.
But for me? People don’t have time, last-minute things come up, and I’m less important than that. So I’ve learned to suck it up and be on my own.
On a rare occasion, someone in my life comes in and makes an impression. They show up and stick around. We may not see each other as often as I’d like, but they’re there, even if it’s in the background.
But oftentimes, things happen and we drift apart.
Every single time, it breaks my heart, because despite the “oh, we’ll keep in touch” everyone says, I know things aren’t going to be the same. And I’m back to being on my own, and that’s really hard.
Life is hard, and it sucks when you feel like have no one to turn to.
So if I’ve ever had to say goodbye to you and took it harder than expected, it’s not because I’m clingy or insane. It’s because a goodbye hurts a lot more for me than it should, and it’s something that I’m unfortunately too used to.
Just know that I’ll always love you regardless of where we are now.
Emma Spear is a student, paraeducator, writer, and contributor to Unwritten. She has a passion for writing about mental health, self-care, and education. Visit her author profile for more.