3 Things Every Woman Needs To Know About Men For A Better, Healthier Relationship
It's all about understanding.
AnnaGorbenko / shutterstock The most important aspects of the relationship, and qualities in a partner, are not something I’ve ever seen or heard discussed anywhere in mainstream relationship advice.
This is especially the case when it comes to cracking the code of how to co-exist with your man in the long term, to have the happiest, most committed relationship possible.
There are some unique nuances about the male mind that aren’t naturally intuitive to most women (and vice versa, of course). But these are things that we have a hard time seeing and putting into words, so you’ve likely never heard this stuff before.
That is why I wanted to put these all in one place.
Each of these following three points will uncover a fundamental aspect of the male mind, which will allow you to more harmoniously relate with him while causing him to want to commit to you more than any other woman he’ll ever meet.
Here are three things every woman needs to know about men for a better, healthier relationship:
1. Understand that men care about their "purpose" more than their relationship.
Let’s start out with a hard truth. Because, why not?
So, we all have these things called “values.” Our values dictate what matters most to us in the world; they are the traits and virtues that we stand for and want to experience and live by. And in the Western world, we men often refer to our number one core value as our "Purpose."
It is a fact that the vast majority of men (if not all of them) care more about their purpose, deep down, than they do about their romantic relationship.
In other words, a man’s partner can be his favorite person, but not his favorite anything.
This might be a tough pill to swallow. But ask any honest man, and he will confirm this to be true. And if he doesn’t, I’d say that’s a red flag.
Because men who aren’t connected to their purpose aren’t fully connected to themselves and will start to slide into frustration over time as they keep putting other things ahead of their purpose, without even realizing that it’s happening.
I said men care more about their purpose “deep down,” because this is a fundamental part of male nature. Although, there are plenty of men who neglect it. They are more prone to being stuck at a stunted level of psychological development, where they’re still caught up in approval-seeking and validation from women because they haven’t fully come into their own.
So, how can this insight about a man’s purpose affect your relationships? Well, there are two things that can be done with the information here.
First, make sure that you only ever get into a relationship with a man whose purpose you deeply respect and can get behind fully. Because whatever the purpose he’s connected to, it will dictate the course of his life, and it will also dictate the course of your attraction.
Like most women, you probably look at him and think you’re just falling in love with and committing to an individual. But he is tied to a whole other entity: His purpose. You can picture it like the sidecar on a motorcycle.
For you to be excited and in love with him all the way down the line, you’ll need to fundamentally align with and respect the values within the greater purpose he’s dedicating himself to.
So, what is his purpose? And how do you feel about it?
Is it to serve, build, impact, create art or wealth? Does he care far more about money and status than you do? Is he committed to fighting and volunteering for a particular cause? Does he want to offer a particular service to other people and his community? And does he also care about what you care about, too?
These are all questions you can be asking during the dating phase. And if you’re already in a relationship, diving into and designing your values together can be a great exercise to realign yourselves.
There is also a chance that a man can be authentically connected to a purpose that has more to do with building a family, traveling, and merely enjoying the simple things in life. And that could very well be exactly what you’re after.
But for most men, they crave to be in service of a higher purpose that transcends themselves — something to do with filling a specific role in the community or creating a specific impact in the world.
And many women crave the strength and direction in a man who is also in service of greater values that are bigger than the relationship.
On the flip-side to all this, if a man is not clearly connected to his purpose, and he’s not working on finding it, that spells trouble down the line. It will likely cause him to feel unfulfilled and act out in various ways because a core part of his nature isn’t being activated and engaged.
Following a purpose tends to have the best results on a man’s emotional and mental wellbeing, particularly in his relationship, which feeds into the mutual happiness, security, and connection for both partners.
And second, when you have found that man whose purpose you deeply love respect, show him how much you do, and then be an ally to him.
A man who feels his woman admires and supports his purpose will want to keep her by his side for life. He will feel seen and loved for the most important part of his existence.
He will also feel completely free and fully self-expressed, which is a man’s biggest goal in life, as well as his greatest fear, which is being with a woman who will limit or stifle his freedom and mission in some way.
Remember: the masculine in every person prioritizes mission, vision, and purpose, and the feminine in every person prioritizes love, connection, and relationship.
And we all have some percentage of each type of energy. So, if you’re looking to be in an intimate relationship with a more masculine associated man, then the above advice can not be overlooked.
It goes without saying but he should also feel aligned with your life’s vision. Ultimately, you want both of your highest and best visions for your lives to align long-term… otherwise, you’ll always be fighting an uphill battle.
2. Expand your definition of vulnerability.
I have had countless female coaching clients ask me, “How do I get him to be more vulnerable with me?” And while this desire is a very noble one, there’s something missing from their awareness of what it is exactly that they’re asking for.
When I probe a little deeper, one of two things will happen. Either they won’t be able to break things down any further, or convey a specific understanding of what it is they want, or they have a very narrow definition of what vulnerability means to them and expect their man to be giving them something that he doesn’t have to give.
Because more often than not, when women ask for this, what they’re actually asking is, “Why doesn’t he cry in front of me? Why doesn’t he show vulnerability like I show vulnerability?”
Questions like these are usually the source of the problem.
The crux of the issue often doesn’t lie in the man being closed off, but in the woman not being able to recognize his brand of vulnerability as different from hers.
What feels personal, exposing, troubling, risky, honest, emotional, or important, all differ wildly from person to person, and especially from women to men.
So, to all the women who seek for their partners to display vulnerability, broaden your awareness of what that word actually means, especially for men.
As well as to realize that he might already be getting vulnerable with you regularly. It’s just that he is doing so in ways that you wouldn’t normally recognize and label as “vulnerability.”
For example, one of the most vulnerable things a man can ever do with his partner is express fear, doubt, or uncertainty in regard to his career. Because fulfilling the roles of security and provider has been conditioned into him by tradition and evolution.
They are ways of being valued as a man and valuable in the eyes of his partner. It is a concern that runs his life.
Because our life’s work is so central to our core identity as men, if your man expresses doubt about his work (either about his level of competency with it, potentially shifting jobs, or being uncertain about his professional direction), you must realize that there is almost nothing more vulnerable he could be speaking to you about.
His eyes might not be welling up, and he might not be ranting in detail about his emotions, but I assure you that he is cracking himself wide open and bearing to you one of the rawest parts of himself.
This is just one small example. But it’s one to keep in mind.
If you crave more vulnerability from your man, hold the intention of expanding what exactly vulnerability could look and feel like for you. Perhaps there’s something more specific you can boil it down to that you want to experience with him, or hear him speak about, that would make you feel more intimately connected.
More often, you might realize that he is already showing you many things that are vulnerable to him, and you can begin recognizing all of them more often.
3. Attach clear goals to the things you ask for.
Want to get your way in relationships, while not feeling like you have to take on the masculine, leading, directive role? Then I would suggest attaching goals to your asks.
What do I mean by this? It’s no secret that men can be highly competitive and task-oriented. In other words, men love to win!
So, if you frame the things you want in contexts where your man is in a good position to win, where he has a clear aim and a finish line to pursue, then his goal-achieving nature will kick into gear and generate results. All the while giving him a sense of fulfillment in the process.
Here’s an example of this in action: Let’s say that you want him to set up a romantic date for the two of you.
Many women might resort to complaining and telling him how he hasn’t taken her out for a long time (which would register to his male mind as “She is upset, therefore I am already losing...”).
If you’ve ever done that, you may have experienced your man either completely shutting down and pulling away, or getting defensive. This is a lose-lose scenario. Neither person gets what they want, and the connection is tarnished.
And I get why many women might have this as their natural instinctual reaction. No matter how ineffective the complaining route is, it’s ultimately coming from frustration that their man isn’t taking action on something or isn’t aware of her needs, and they don’t want to have to push to make it happen themselves.
But instead of complaining and building resentment on both sides, try giving him a positive opportunity to achieve a goal.
For example, saying, “Mmmm, I haven’t had Indian food in a long time! I really miss eating Indian food.” Or, even more directly, such as, “I would love to have an extended date night soon where we just cuddle and watch a movie.”
Can you see how phrasing things in such a manner opens a door that he can then choose to step through? Rather than approaching him with scolding “put-down” energy?
You get what you want, and he gets to feel like he accomplished something, while nobody is blaming or made to feel wrong. That is a win-win scenario.
To do this well, you’ll need to be clearly in touch with your needs and practice expressing them. This means that you’ll have to do a little emotional refining.
What I mean by that is: that when we’re not getting a need met in the relationship, the first thing that usually shows up is frustration toward our partner, which we’re then tempted to react with and spit out in its raw, unrefined form (which is messier than it needs to be).
But hidden inside each frustration is a need. If we can take a moment, we can usually identify that need, and then present it in a more clean, productive, skillful way.
Here’s an example of the exact opposite of what we want to do.
I’d known a couple for 5-6 years, who seemed happy and compatible enough. But a few months ago, completely out of the blue, the woman suddenly wanted to break it up.
The only reason she could explain was, “I feel like you don’t give me enough romantic experiences.” He was taken aback by this and asked what she meant by that, and what that looked like for her, or what she would like for him to do. To which she replied, “You should just know. If I tell you then it’s not romantic.”
What was coming up for this woman was that she was on, what I call, the regress express. In other words, she had regressed into her childhood self (we all do it sometimes!) and was in a place where she wanted her partner to be able to read her mind (like her caregivers did when she was a child).
Now, it’s important to acknowledge that we all have this inside of us. There is a part in all of us that wants to remain a child forever and get what we want without having to express it or put in any effort.
But in an adult, conscious relationship, we all must take responsibility for being aware of our needs, and asking for them to be met, when appropriate.
So, back to the more skillful way to express a need while maintaining a polarized charge.
First: Make an ask, not a complaint. Second: Build a clear desired destination into your ask, so your man can take a course of action needed to satisfy that need.
Put another way, it’s like saying you have a desire to get to the next town over, and then leaving the spaciousness necessary for him to figure out how to get you both there.
Men love to take initiative and solve problems. By using this strategy, you can recruit that core aspect of their nature and ensure that both of you get your needs met, while also getting to maintain a sense of polarity and romantic charge in your relationship.
Once you see this work in your favor, you’ll feel like you’ve seen through The Matrix.
Relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks, maintain thriving intimate relationships, and live a better life. You can see more of his writing on his website. J