What He Really Means When He Says He's Not Attracted To You
It's harsh, but it's honest. And maybe that's just what you need.
Unsplash You finally did it. You’ve been thinking about him for weeks. Imagining how you would blend your last names together to create a unified family name. You made sure to recite to all of your friends, acquaintances, and your mom the list of 64 reasons why you’re meant to be together.
You tell them how he says your easier to talk to then most girls. That you’re the only girl that laughs at his fart jokes and you really listen when he talks. They all made sure to agree with you, and encourage you that "he would have certainly asked you out already if he wasn’t scared of losing you as a friend" — that he was intimidated by the fact that you are a strong beautiful woman who is also smart and funny — and that is scary for any man.
After weeks of turmoil you finally did it. Beating heart in your throat you told your crush, “I like you. I’d like to take our friendship to the next level.”
The pause that hangs in the air is something that you weren’t expecting. He opens his mouth and you're sure he is going to recite the love sonnet he’s been penning to you since the day he first laid eyes on you.
Instead, he says the 5 words that you're never supposed to honestly say to someone, “I’m not attracted to you."
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I’m not attracted to you. It sounds harsh right? It is harsh.
We live in a society where we are lucky to be told everyday that we are so beautiful. You are beautiful no matter how the size of your butt or your boobs or your waist. Your acne is beautiful. Your scars are beautiful. Your red hair, blue hair, one hair, two hair. All beautiful.
But then what do we do when we hear these words? "I am not attracted to you". Your friends are going to tell you to forget him. Tell you he’s an a-hole who doesn’t know what he’s missing.
Your mom is going to say that you are the most beautiful, perfect girl in the world, and he is a fool for not seeing that.
But here is my question. Is he really the bad guy? He didn’t deny you your beauty. He is just telling you an honest truth. He is not attracted to you.
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You are still beautiful, but maybe he is disgusted by beautiful things. Who knows? Maybe he only likes short girls. Or tall girls. Maybe he likes skinny girls, or thick girls. Its just that you, specifically, are not what he specifically is attracted to.
Shouldn’t we be grateful for this honestly? Shouldn’t we feel like, “OMG now I don’t have to wonder why someone, with whom I get along so well, doesn’t want to be with me?"
We claim all we want is honesty, but we brand the honest and dishonest with the same torch.
So what do we do now? This is the part that is hardest to navigate through. The part we all claim to have already mastered, but I would be surprised if anyone on the planet can claim to have actually mastered with 100% honesty.
The part where we say, "That’s okay that you're not attracted to me, because I wouldn’t change a thing about me."
We all would change something. Whiten our teeth, lose 5 lbs, clear our faces, get bigger boobs, tighten up our butts. This is what body positivity is. You cannot make someone else find you visually appealing but you can change your own mind.
Look at the parts of yourself that you hate. Look at them everyday. Practice loving them every day.
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For me, I have a big nose and crooked teeth. These are the two things I would change about myself. And even though I am writing this article, if someone told me that I could straighten my teeth and shrink my nose tomorrow for 5 dollars, I probably would. The only thing I can claim that I am trying to do, is find ways to like these “unattractive” parts of me.
I broke my nose when I was 16, and it has a big bump on it. When I look at it in the mirror I try not to see this big weird abscess on my face, and try to remember the kids in my high school lining up to write their initials on my nose cast.
When I look at my crooked smile in the mirror I try to see past the bottom tooth that is pushed back too far, and I try to think of my brother Willy cracking up about how much it bothers my Dad, because I didn’t wear my retainer.
"I am not attracted to you", is not an insult. It is a sign of respect from someone who doesn’t want you to doubt how awesome you are.
And you are awesome. You are beautiful. You may have to alter the last names of your future children, but you are going to be okay.
Kaitlin Kaiser is a writer who covers love, relationship advice, astrology and personality topics.