11 Ways Adult Children Of A Cheating Parent Love Differently
Your parents' relationship affects yours.
Yes, our parent cheated. Just like our parents don't let it define them, we don't let it define us, either. But it's inevitable: our parent's infidelity shapes the way we love and approach relationships, in a big way.Â
Trust issues. Suspicion, out of nowhere. Cynicism. Forgiveness. Building walls. These are all too familiar for us, and will be forever, because one of the people we are supposed to trust the most in life broke it.
These are the ways children of a cheating parent love differently.Â
1. Itâs not easy.Â
For us, or for you. And itâs not going to be. Yes, weâve moved on. All is forgiven. But that doesnât make anything any easier. Itâs always going to be hard for us to love, to be loved. And if you canât handle that, youâre not worth our time.Â
2. Weâre not quick to trust.Â
You have to earn our trust. You have to earn us.
3. We always have one eye open.Â
Even if we trust you, there will always be a part of us that doesnât trust you completely. And itâs not you. Itâs us. We donât trust anyone completely, because we were let down by the person weâre supposed with our lives. Weâll ask to go through your phone. Your Facebook messages. But itâs not your fault. Itâs because we need reminders that we can trust you.Â
4. Weâre not letting you in easily.Â
Get a (metaphorical) hammer, because you'll have to break down all of our walls. Theyâre well-built, and made to last ward off damage from any terrible storm, harsh winds, or heartbreak.Â
5. We must see how committed you are.Â
If we say we donât want flowers, send us flowers anyway. Show up at our place without warning, just to say hi. Tell us that you miss us five minutes after you left us. Give us help when we donât ask for itâwhen we donât even need it. Love is show and tell.
6. Words are not enough.Â
âI love youâ means something to us. But not on its own.Â
We recognize effort. When you show us how committed you are, weâll trust you more. Weâll know the spark isnât fizzling. We might think it is sometimes, but then you give us a reason to forget about our second thoughts.Â
7. We expect effort.
We expect the effort we put in to be reciprocated.Â
8. Weâre scared.Â
We will always have second thoughts. But thatâs just our past, haunting us.Â
9. But we donât always admit how scared we are.Â
We donât want to hurt your feelings by telling you weâre not confident. Just have to understand itâs a part of us. Our past doesnât mean we love you any less. In fact, we love you even more every day for sticking aroundâwe know how difficult we can be at times.Â
10. Weâre forgiving.Â
We donât hate our parent for cheating. Love is love. Family is family. Yes, weâve had hard times, but weâve moved on, because we had to. If youâre honest with us, weâll forgive you. You might not know that due to our trust issues, but when we love, we love unconditionally.
11. Weâre not cynical.Â
Itâs just more reasonable for us to be selective about our optimism.Â
Carrie Wittmer is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer, satirist, and comedian who is scared of loud improv groups. You can find her work in McSweeneyâs, Refinery29, Robot Butt, Business Insider, and some other really, really, really cool places on the Internet. She does stand-up when sheâs not too tired and has more grey hair than her mom. Follow her on Twitter, Medium, and Instagram.