The One Gigantic Mistake Everyone Makes Before Going To Bed
I know I’ve done it and I’m pretty sure you have, too.
Motortion Films / Shutterstock Ask your friends. I’m willing to bet they all have a story about the time it happened to them.
There are a lot of mishaps that can take place in the bedroom, but there is perhaps none more universal than this.
It is responsible for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, arguments, accusations, resentment, recriminations, tears, and in extreme cases the end of careers.
The worst thing about this bedroom blunder is that it does not discriminate.
It happens to people of every size, shape, age, race, gender, orientation, and social standing — no one is immune to this one, epic, massive, and entirely avoidable bedroom fail.
So what is this tragic but universal mistake everyone’s making in bed?
Setting the alarm for PM instead of AM!
Isn’t that the worst?!
You fall asleep secure in the knowledge that you have meticulously set your alarm for exactly the right time to do everything you need to do in the morning, only to wake up late — maybe not even until someone calls you — and now you have to start your day all frazzled.
BOOO!!!
Ok, now in all seriousness let’s talk about what got you here to read this post because I’m pretty sure that for many of you it wasn’t just my sparkling wit and master wordsmithery.
Show of hands: How many of you knew you were being click-baited?
Ok, put your hands down. You’re sitting at a computer and I can’t see you.
Now, did some of you want to read this even though you knew there was some blatant click-bait ridiculousness going on because you're concerned that you are making a HUGE mistake in bed, and thought maybe I could tell you how to not do that?
I’m thinking yes.
The internet is chock-full of articles, videos, listicles, and podcasts that bank on one thing: you are afraid that you’re doing it wrong.
For the most part, they are right. Most of us (that’s right, “us," because I do it too) are convinced that we are somehow failing and someone else has the answers.
This feels particularly true when it comes to sex. Something I noticed shortly after people started sending me emails a couple of years ago was that so many of the questions really boil down to, “Am I weird/broken/doing it wrong?”
And almost always the answer is, “No” (because sometimes the answers are, “See your doctor,” or, “This is not your fault, we need better sex education”). It doesn’t matter who is asking, the theme transcends age, body type, race, level of experience — all of it.
Everyone wants to know that they aren’t doing it wrong.
Where do we get this idea that not only is there a “right,” but that somehow no one we know is telling us about it?
Amy Schumer does a great bit about women’s magazines and how they pretty much exist to tell us we’re never doing it right, but that maybe if we buy the right stuff we’ll get closer.
The upshot is a lot of people have a lot to gain from you thinking you are doing it wrong. Careers are built on keeping you in a constant state of insecurity.
I want you to keep that in mind the next time you see an article claiming to have the BEST sex tips or the answer to what you’re doing WRONG or the key to make you come EVERY TIME. Anyone claiming to have the ONE answer that will definitely work for everyone is banking on you running back for more tips when this doesn’t work for you (because nothing works for everyone!) and you feel broken.
Stick to sources that use inclusive language, that aim to teach rather than sell, and that doesn’t scream at you.
Most importantly, though, remember this: You are not weird. You are not broken. You are not doing it wrong.
Even if a lot of people want you to believe otherwise, you’re doing great.
Also, there’s usually a little light that turns on to let you know whether the alarm is set to AM or PM.
Make sure you check that.
JoEllen Notte is a writer, speaker, and researcher who has been writing about sex, mental health, and vibrators since 2012. She is currently working on her first book, "The Monster Under The Bed: Sex, Depression, And The Conversations We Aren't Having."