Why These Vagina Dentata Cupcakes Are Delicious FEMINIST Treats

Let's say that you have decided to celebrate the woman in your life. Praise be the lady, and praise be to her vagina. 

You just bought said woman flowers, and the time before the flowers you bought her chocolate. 

So what's left to present her as an offering? 

Ah, cupcakes. Yes, that's right, you think. To express my love for this woman and her life-giving and health-restoring vagina, I will present her with some cupcakes. That's just the thing.

You walk into your local bakery contemplating various flavor combinations and stop dead in your tracks.

No, you aren't mesmerized by the delicious scent of butter and flour. You're pinned in place by the startling sight of dozens and dozens of cupcakes topped with toothy grinning vaginas. Do you run, or do you dare to pick up a box and bring it to the counter. It could nip your hand after all. 

Vagina dentata isn't something new. Though seeing it depicted on a pastry might be. 

Various stories of women afflicted with sharp teeth lining their vaginas have cropped up in folklore for thousands of years. And yet all the folk stories I try to get going about talking penises with adorable lisps go nowhere. Figures. 

The stories originally began as cautionary tales against rape. You can find Maori, Hindu, and Shinto versions of the what happens to the foolish man who crosses the toothy vagina. Best case scenario, disfigurement. Worst case? So dead. 

Some of the stories are actually creation myths. One early American tribe believed that the first man ripped the teeth out of the first woman's vagina, making it so that she become an actual human woman capable of reproduction. 

These stories on the surface might not sound very lady friendly. My vagina has fangs, what? HOW DARE, SEXISM, ETC! 

But the truth, as pointed out by Camille Paglia, is actually total girl-power. 

Paglia says, "The toothed vagina is no sexist hallucination: every penis is made less in every vagina, just as mankind, male and female, is devoured by mother nature."

That's right. Our vaginas are like gladiator rings: only one person is coming out of this thing as tough as they went in, and that's the woman. Your vagina is basically Russell Crowe. 

The story of vagina dentata isn't going anywhere. It's still fodder for popular entertainment, like the horror movie release Teeth which is, you guessed it, about a girl with a very sharp very secret problem. Got a dude who loves watching horror flicks? Let's have him put his money where his dick is! 

If he gets scared, more cupcakes for you.