I Was A PA On A Porn Set And Honestly ... It Turned Me On HARD

Despite what you might think, being on a porn set isn't particularly sexy. Yes, it's funny, dirty, full of body fluids, long hours and a symphony of smells (none of them good). But sexy? Not exactly.

Although I'd been on a bunch of X-rated video shoots as a behind-the-scenes writer for smutrags like Screw and Hustler, I'd never been part of the working crew ... until I played PA for the day a few years back on Vidco's Angels with Sticky Faces. (Yes, it's exactly like the title suggests.)

Despite my lack of experience, my friend/porn actor/director, Rick Savage, asked me to be his helper. The nondescript location on Manhattan's Upper West Side looked so normal that it could be anyone's apartment. Your Nana's for example, if your Nana had barrels of Astroglide on hand. And dildos, lots of dildos.

Rick arrived carrying a shopping bag of bagels for our breakfast, visibly nervous, his boxer shorts hanging down past his regular shorts. I dispensed with the necessary hugs and "It'll be great!" even though I had my doubts.

He'd cast a lot of newbies in the sextravaganza — and that could be risky. Getting a boner in your private time is a lot different that getting a hard-on in front of an audience (i.e. a sweaty, hairy camera crew).

Stashed in my tote, I had lots of goodies. Since most female performers show up with nothing more than a smile, I had a few alternatives. Like a smutty Mary Poppins, in my magic bag I had five pairs of earrings, a fuchsia vibrator, a Spandex LBD, two beach towels, a flimsy robe and thigh-highs. Rick seemed relieved.

The leading lady, Athena, was already in the makeup chair. Athena (which was unbelievably her real name) was "discovered" by porn icon Annie Sprinkle. Through Annie, Athena had done some nude modeling before but this was her first hardcore role.

An earth-goddessy babe, Athena stood a statuesque 5'10" with huge, natural boobs, a sexy space between her front teeth and an adorable pink, peachy p*ssy. She was destined for super-stardom.

I dashed out to buy sodas, batteries for the microphones and a lovely array of fresh fruits. Three separate times. But that's OK — I'm a personal assistant; running around was part of the job description. So was spoon-feeding the leading man a protein-packed breakfast so he could get wood (porn lingo for an erection) later.

When Hal, the cameraman, arrived, I kept an eye on his van as he unloaded equipment, apologizing that I'm not the hefty sort of PA who can chuck two-by-fours like they're pencils. But Hal didn't seem to mind. "You're prettier than Tito," he admitted.

Everything seemed to be going according to schedule — except the second actress didn't show up. Rick was remarkably calm. Although he played musical chairs with the existing performers, one unfortunate stud, Joey, was without a partner. The poor guy was extremely disappointed about the cancellation.

"What about you, Ari? Would you work with me?" Joey asked me hopefully.

For a split second, I pictured Joey humping me against a brick wall. Could Rick shoot it without showing my face?

"Your husband would recognize those nipples," Rick smiled. (Yes, I have very distinct nipples). I politely turned Joey down.

As the day went on, I made sure the performers were content and comfortable, kept Rick's water glass filled, kept the lube within arm's reach, and was a human paper-towel dispenser after sex scenes. I dressed the set, dusted off furniture, and maniacally kept changing and smoothing down the sheets. Pretty standard stuff.

The first scene we shot was Athena's masturbation sequence. I showed her how to use my vibrator and warned her not to flick it on high. "It'll rattle your fillings," I explained.

We were finally ready to roll. I shed my sneakers so I could walk silently on the creaky wooden floors. Hal showed me how to hold the C-light, a polite term for "crotch light." Essentially, it's a hand-held beacon which illuminates the penetration.

I had to concentrate hard on holding the C-light properly so I didn't burn my fingers. It wan't as easy as it sounds. Trust me. Especially when Rick joined Athena in bed.

After some brief dialog, they sifted into a variety of positions. He gave her head, she gave him head, then they both gave each other head simultaneously. It was a perfect combination of lips, tongue and fist. I wished I could have taken notes, but I was holding the C-light. Damn.

Although it was Athena and Rick who were now f*cking, Hal, Barbara Nitke (the stills photographer) and I were also getting very intimate. We stood, wedged together, heads only inches apart, each trying to do our various chores: shoot video, shoot photos, hold the beacon.

Hal gestured for me to follow him with the C-light as he covered another angle.

I was so concerned about doing my job it hadn't registered in my brain that two people were screwing a few feet away from me. But apparently, it registered in my body because my panties were soaking wet. I tried my best to ignore it. After all, they weren't paying me to get off; they were paying me to hold said C-light.

When Hal had videoed all of the necessary gymnastics, Rick asked him to pause tape as he got ready to pop (ejaculate). Rick began sliding himself between Athena's big, bouncy tits. In moments, she took one for the team — i.e., a healthy blast in the face — like a pro. Which, of course, she was. A very nice pop shot indeed. I'd give it an A+ for accuracy and pure decorative quality.

Then Ron Hightower arrived. He was a sweet, handsome, muscular guy who'd done live sex on a local cable TV show, but never in an adult video. Rick was mildly concerned about Ron's performance ability. And if Ron couldn't deliver, Rick couldn't play "stunt cock" because Ron was black and Rick wasn't. (For you porn virgins, stunt-cocking is when one actor subs for an other actor who can't get wood in a scene.) Even bad lighting minus the C-light couldn't hide this fact.

In less than an hour, we learned that Rick's fears were unfounded because Ron delivered like a true stallion. Afterwards, Ron jumped into the shower and I handed him a fresh towel when he was done — another of my job's perks. Quickly, I changed the bed sheets for the next encounter. Ever the gentleman, Ron even helped me.

As they were shooting the next scene, I saw Athena staring at me while Ron was plowing into her. It made me feel slightly uncomfortable, but after all, I was shining a light onto her p*ssy, so it was she who should be uncomfortable, not me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Rick was looking into the monitor, then waving at me. Hal, too. I had no clue what was going on. Were they just being friendly? Did they want a Coke?

"Ariel," Rick finally said, exasperated. "You're in the shot."

So much for my career as a PA. But it was fun while it lasted.