There Is One Way To Know When A Woman Orgasms
Well, this makes sense...
Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash I recently came across an article titled 6 Ways To Tell If A Woman Is Faking An Orgasm.
The concept itself — trying to look for clues instead of communicating — is bad enough. After all, the only way to know for sure if a woman had an orgasm is to ask her.
I found two of the proscribed methods by which "to tell if she’s actually experiencing the big O or if she’s just a big liar" particularly troubling.
Here's the truth behind the misinformation on how to know when a woman orgasm.
Item #2: “Her Vagina Doesn’t Contract.”
The authors state:
“When a woman orgasms, her vagina contracts in such a way that really cannot be faked. It’s so fast and erratic that a woman can’t mimic it on her own — it only happens that way when she’s climaxing. Unfortunately, you can only tell if you’ve either got your penis or your finger inside of her as she’s coming. So if you want to tell whether she’s faking or not using this method, either make sure she’s having an orgasm during intercourse or you’ve got a finger or two massaging her g-spot while you’re going down on her or fingering her. Feel for those ‘butterfly’ spasms — if there aren’t any, she’s likely putting on a show.”
Yes, sometimes for me the throbbing is outrageous! It’s like my vulva turned into a little wiggling monster with a mind of its own.
After a big one (and they aren’t always big ones. In fact, the majority are not big ones. Sigh ...), the exterior of my genitals near the head of my clit pulses so dramatically it can probably be seen across a room. I do agree, that is pretty difficult to fake.
However, this doesn’t happen with every orgasm.
Other times I do orgasm, but my vulva never takes on a life of its own.
Ironically for me — remember, we’re all different — I didn’t start having those intense pulsating orgasms until my extreme clitoral sensitivity went away in my mid 30’s (more on that next).
At that point I could tolerate continuing clitoral stimulation even after my orgasm started. Continued stimulation is what makes my orgasm more intense, and my vagina more likely to pulse.
Also ironically, for me (and again, we’re all different) g-spot stimulation while I’m climaxing from clitoral stimulation weakens my orgasm.
So if someone’s down there feeling around inside of me for spasms, they'd probably stop the spasms from happening — simply because they are poking around down there.
All those contradictions rolled up in item #2 alone would probably be enough to make your head explode while trying to follow the advice in that article.
Keep in in mind, those are just the contractions rolled up in my vagina. When I factor in the female lovers I’ve had and how differently they react to various things — WOW!
No two orgasms are the same and no two vaginas are the same. That leaves a ton of room for drastic differences.
Item #6: "Her Clitoris Isn’t Sensitive Afterward."
The piece goes on to explain, "This only lasts a few seconds, so make sure to ‘test’ her right after her orgasm. Touch her clitoris lightly after she’s climaxed and watch her reaction. If she’s totally cool with it, she faked. If she jerks back involuntarily and almost violently, her orgasm was real.”
This really does apply to many women, but certainly not to all.
This used to happen to me every time. I’d be so sensitive I’d nearly kick my lover in the head to get them to stop touching me. I was so sensitive it actually hurt to be touched. Now, however, this rarely happens.
I’m not sure if its age changing my body or me over the years simply becoming more comfortable with intense sensation. But no, sensitive I am not.
If I had a lover who was following the advice in this article they’d surely think I was faking my orgasm.
When I reached about 35 years old my body did a complete 180 and I quickly got over the sensitive thing. Now after I climax I want to keep going hotter and heavier than before.
Right after the orgasm hits and I’m on the downside of the wave, it’s go time!
It’s not uncommon for me to be writhing away having a jolly old time and Ken will ask, “Was that it? Did you come?"
I'll respond with, “Come? Oh yeah, I did that about 3 minutes ago. I’m enjoying the after effects and working on the next one!”
While there are some sure-ish signs of orgasm (the breathing or flushed skin being the most common/reliable), there isn’t an end-all/be-all list of sure-fire reactions.
Women’s orgasms are much more complicated than simply come and you’re done.
We have different types of orgasms that can fall over a wide spectrum of intensity levels.
Sometimes it’s a “little one” that happens and is gone before you can blink an eye. Sometimes they are the earth-shattering, quivering, forget how to speak English ones. You never know what you’re going to get until it happens.
And keep in mind, if a woman has an internal, vaginal or g-spot orgasm (or even an anal orgasm — those exist!) her clit won’t likely feel overly sensitive afterward.
The moral of the story here is two-fold:
- We’re all different! While there are certain signs that are more likely to indicate an orgasm is legit, any laundry lists of clues you find will not apply to everyone.
- Rather than encourage people to remain secretive and put their lovers through hidden “tests,” Sex Educators should encourage honesty and communication. The title of that particular article may as well have been “How to Catch Your Lover Being Deceitful by Being Just as Deceitful AND by Jumping to Conclusions.” (The article did come around to the honesty approach as a solution in the last 2 paragraphs, so why were those initial 6 points ever necessary?)
Lovers, work on becoming comfortable talking to each other, guiding each other, and being honest.
Sex is fun — not some extra super secret thing your partner expects you to be an expert at. Discovering how your lover's body responds is a process that can take months or even years.
And, Murphy’s law, for some of us just as we figure out how our bodies work ... they go and change on us!
Sex is a continual journey. We should expect it to be a continual journey, even with long-term partners.
The fun part is the discoveries we make along the way.
So back to where we started, you want to know how to tell if your female partner is having an orgasm? Ask her.
Make sure your sexual relationship is healthy, communicative and a safe space for you to talk honestly to each other without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. Make sure you LISTEN to each other too. Work on improving things together and enjoying the ups and downs.
If that’s what your sex life looks like, all you have to do is ask.
Sunny Megatron is a sexuality educator, media personality, pleasure products expert, as well as host and executive producer of the groundbreaking, sex-positive Showtime original television series, "Sex with Sunny Megatron." Named one of the 6 most savvy sexologists in North America, her work has been featured in Cosmo, Playboy, Jezebel, Buzzfeed, CNN, Refinery29, Playgirl Magazine, and more.