Sometimes Women Just Want Some Good HARD Sex

I went to Catholic high school in the waning years when actual nuns taught classes. Nearly every one of them was pathological. One suffered from sudden, near-uncontrollable rage (she once slapped a student for answering her question); another couldn't remember if she assigned homework, erred on the side of yes, and punished us all for not doing it. Even the other nuns said they kept her in the basement on the weekends. (They were joking. I think.)

One was senile, one had the sharpest acidic tongue I've ever come across, coupled with a brutal sense of sarcasm, which she never turned off. We always speculated that if they'd just get laid once in awhile, their crazy would be a lot saner.

There's good evidence for this: A lack of sex causes a higher stress response. Higher stress would, in theory, lead you to scream at high schoolers on a more frequent basis, especially since teenagers are a pain in the ass anyway. Sex also gives you a better immune system, which you need if you step anywhere near a high school.

A low stress response and a bitchin' immune system are two key components of a good high school teacher. Sex could help with that. Perhaps, Sister Mary needed some good sex. 

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Saying someone needs some good hard sex (GHS) is distinct from rape. GHS is consensual; rape isn't. GHS leaves you with an afterglow; rape leaves you with a sense of violation. So while rape culture may co-opt the phrase “She needs some good hard sex”, it's just that: co-opting positive sex talk in order to debase women. If you want to use the term GHS to describe someone who isn't into it, stop reading and call your parole officer.

The celibate aren't the only ones who need some good lovin'. The rest of us could stand to lower our stress response as well. Especially in the middle of a stressful project, a difficult job — that includes parenting young children — or a really messy house, some banging could help calm us down and give us more patience to deal with, well... whatever we're dealing with.

The temporarily celibate really need GHS. The longer you go without sexin', the harder it is to get wet. No sex causes a drop in libido, meaning that you don't want what you don't have. And while your vagina won't get tighter, it may forget how to relax in response to arousal and insertion.

So you'll seem tighter — but only because your body's not as into it. All this adds up to the need to get laid stat, before these negative sexual effects set in. Tinder exists. Find yourself some help. And if you're married, jump your spouse.

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You need GHS if you're anxious. But you also deserve one for a job well done. There's nothing like finishing up a big project to give you the right to some serious sexy time. And not some gentle sexy time, either.

If you've just done something that took a lot of time, energy and heartache, you deserve to be pinned against the wall and taken like a dollar bill on the sidewalk. If every serious work project came with a GHF at the end of it, just imagine your increase in motivation. You'd have a raise in no time. (Sarcasm, people.)

Speaking of different kind of raises, sometimes, your man's penis does. This doesn't mean every random erection deserves GHS. But once in awhile, when it's super-hard, your man's erection ought to be a personal reward for you. This is another pick-you-up, wrap-your-legs-around-his-waist, pin-you-against-the-wall and thrust until neither of you can stand it any longer. It's your personal gift for having a man who gets so hard. You deserve it.

You deserve it. Frankly, you don't need a reason. We like to control women's sexuality and say that they should do it here and not there, then and not then, with him and not him (or her). But this is 2016. You have every right to have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want and however you want.

That means your GHS might come from a dildo, wielded by your partner. Or a dildo, wielded by yourself. Or your lover's fingers, male or female. Or even a fist, if you're into that. You have every right to use whatever you want.

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Basically, who needs GHS? Everyone, all the time, everywhere, in the manner of their choice. Its only qualifications are that it be good: you have to enjoy it. It needs to be the way you want it, not the way society says you should have it.

It's got to be hard: as hard as you like it, which may not be as hard as I like it, or as hard as the girl next door likes it. How hard it is might depend on what you're using. Because the key to GHS is the sex part. You've gotta have a vagina, girlfriend, and something's gotta go in and out, in and out.

Maybe you don't orgasm from sex alone. That's OK. GHS means you get to come, however that has to happen.

Who needs GHS? You do. Right now.