I Tried The Womanizer Vibrator And Things Got Super-Porny

I was supposed to write a review for the Womanizer vibrator weeks ago, but I couldn't just couldn't do it. That's because I've been in my room having orgasms for roughly 38 days. In fact, I've only just emerged dehydrated, raw, and ruined for all men and/or bit-stimulating devices permanently.

While I'm replenishing myself with electrolytes and relishing the afterglow of a month-plus bang-shesh, I decided that the time had come, to share my thoughts on the Womanizer with a world.

In his novel Beautiful You, Chuck Palahniuk pens the story of a megalomaniac who creates a line of sex toys so perfect that women are literally driven to madness and death by their use. While I know the difference between fantasy and reality (suck, every therapist I've ever had), I have a tough time believing that the mind behind the Womanizer isn't a dude bent on destroying us all via self-pleasure. While I'm not down for misogyny, man, what a delicious way to go!

The first thing you need to know if you're thinking about buying a Womanizer is that it looks like an in-ear thermometer designed for infants. Do your best to banish that image from your mind because that thing will soon be all up in your gooey center and you do not need to be thinking about feverish babies in throes of violent orgasm. They probably put you on some sort of mind-registry for that.

The fine folks in the Womanizer's design department have done their best to make the device seem more grown up. This means that it comes in a handy pink, hardbacked case. Because nothing screams discretion like a powder-pink case for your jerk-off device. Oy. This also means that it comes in different colors, with optional fake snakeskin patterning, and massive fake plastic gemstone that adjusts the device's slurping intensity.

That's right: Slurping. I have wracked my brain trying to think of a sexier way of putting it, but "clit vacuuming" just sounds, frankly, terrifying. Slurping at least conjures juiciness and mouths. Oh god I've made myself vaguely queasy, but I refuse to take it back! (Clit-chomping maybe? Oh lord absolutely not. Get behind me, toothy Satan, destroyed of all oral pleasure.)

Let's get into the mechanics of this sucker. It isn't a dildo and it isn't a wand massager. If you only orgasm via penetration, you might want to invite a partner in on the action the first time you take this toy out for a ride. But also, it might surprise you. I know it did me.

Where many vibes are kind of hefty, the Womanizer is lightweight to the point of being disconcerting. You activate it with a push of the small not-faux plastic gem button and then place the soft plastic hood over your clitoris. That's right — you stick your fun stick into a small hole.

Then you lay back and wait. Rookie mistake. My first time out I immediately upped the power thinking there was no way something this rinky-dink would get me off in less than two years. This was extremely foolish of me. The gentle sucking/slurping of the device doesn't pack the initial mechanical wallop of other vibes, but it doesn't have to.

You guys, the first time I used thing I came so intensely and so quickly that I maybe squirted for the first time ever. Then I had to dramatically take to my bed, eye agog, wondering how I would ever enjoy partnered sex again. Then I fell asleep for four hours. This is not an exaggeration.

As its name suggests, the Womanizer knows exactly what it's doing. That said, I hope its name does not mean that it's sneaking out of its kicky pink case when I'm not around to go tend to the loins of the rest of the village's maidens.

Practice with the Womanizer has only led to perfection. A recent relationship hiccup means I'm not getting it on the regs in the fashion to which I have become accustomed. Thus, was the Womanizer's advent is perfectly timed.

It's whisper-silent once you've got it locked and loaded (lol), and it's beyond easy to clean. It's also rechargeable via a USB port. Verily, masturbation for the Apple-using generation.

Masturbation is great. Orgasming when you masturbate is even better. Your orgasms with the Womanizer will be different than your partnered orgasms. Partnered orgasms are a lot like a perfect slice of gourmet cake after an engaging and memorable meal at a nice restaurant. Solo explosions are eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting and hiding the evidence.

Go forth, and get your pint on.