The HARD Truth About Loving An Aries

Aries is a huge pain in the ever-living ass. They can be fun, frolick-y, driven, hellcats, lives of the party, the muscle when you need backup in a fight, but that doesn't change the fact that they might haul off and punch you.

If someone starts giving you sh*t, the one who suddenly dramatically knocks their chair over as they stand up and walk calmly to stand at your side with an icy cold stare in the direction of your opponent — that's Aries.

And that stare (and the chair flip and their completely cavalier attitude toward it) will often be enough to diffuse the fight. If not, the Aries will bleed on your enemy, screaming, "You don't know where I've been!" in about three seconds, and that's only if the opponents are quick enough to get a punch in before the Aries starts biting their face.

Aries minds are way too f*cking fast for you. Way too fast. They might listen intently to what you say, but there are a thousand other things going on in there at the same time. Aries are often the ones who suddenly explode in the middle of conversation with an amazing idea. It's because they've been multitasking as you conversed.

We CAN solve our own problems because we tend to plan our arguments before we have them. That CAN doesn't always equal DO, sadly, given how much we love to fight.

Aries can be addicts. If not to drugs, to working out, power, acclaim, sex. They aren't all addicts, but it's a vice quite common amongst Aries men when their lives aren't as they hoped. They can't hold their sh*t. If they find an outlet for their passion and energy, they should weather life fine, but if they don't have that, it might be High on Crack Street time.

Aries are competitive! Many are amongst the sorest losers in the zodiac (unless their rising sign is Cancer — then they're a gracious and serene loser). I have a tendency to express my competitive side with a jovial and sportsmanlike challenge of a rematch, which is far better than the average Aries declaration of, "I'm never playing this game again!"

The women can take the competitive side to the subtle extreme. Aries women can be supremely competitive with other women. How they look, what they wear, the attention they get from men, the attention they get from WOMEN; whether or not they're gay, it doesn't matter. Many Aries women see other women as threats to their territory and make it a point to proclaim their power whenever possible.

"Oh, really? Well, (insert guy name here) gave me a bottled cider last night."

"Oh yeah, well mine came from (insert same name)."

"Really? Well, (insert same name) gave me mine."

(*This is an actual conversation I once had with an Aries woman who wanted to assure me that a mutual guy friend liked her more. Sad, really.)

Aries loves head rubs and kissing. Touching the lips lightly, playing with the hair, ears will cause a reaction with most Aries. 

Aries men, when they don't have power in or over their own lives/situations, become nearly intolerable to be around. They mope, they grumble, and they whine. Aries can be raging Debbie Downers, depending on other chart aspects. Where's that crack pipe?

Aries is a wimp when it comes to illness, especially of the headache/fever variety.

The person jumping off a cliff into a quarry as their friends watch and wait to see if there are rocks under the water — that's also Aries. Daredevils, the one at the table who will eat any insane dish at that crazy Kenyan place, the one who asks for the hot sauce that kills puppies. Yeah, that one.

They're independent. If you cling too much, they will push you away. They love freedom and alone time at times.

Don't tell an Aries what to do. Ever. You can ask nicely, let them know how much you appreciate them, offer to build a shrine in their honor, flatter them endlessly before asking them, but the second you take an authoritative tone, they will start a coupe to overthrow you.

Aries are extremely anti-authority. They will respect and go to war for someone in power who deserves it and earns respect, but the second you abuse power, you're in danger of being crushed by the one man/woman army that's an oppressed Aries.

They're blunt. Oh my dear LORD, are they blunt. They don't need to raise their voice to make you cry. When they have a thought or opinion, when you are acting like a jackass, when someone is being rude or intolerable to them or a friend, they WILL make someone cry.

Yet, despite all these things, one of the greatest virtues of the Aries is that they're unstoppable. This can be wonderful if you want them to achieve their goals, but if you're in their way, you might get trampled.

They will stop at nothing less than nuclear holocaust in pursuit of what they want, be it a job, a fate, a mate, a rental car at 3 AM — they're going to f*cking get it or go down guns blazing as they try.

Those of you who are Aries, or know and love an Aries, know what I'm talking about to some extent. Those who don't, I pity. Go find yourself an Aries and make nice. We are awesome to have around.

Here are some quotes from famous Aries that are truly an Aries thing to say:

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage." — Maya Angelou (Translation: being badass is more important than any other virtue. Well said, honey.)

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." — Maya Angelou

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." — Charlie Chaplin (Translation: I'm an Aries man and I can't be f*cking happy with my life to save my life.)

"I am doomed to an eternity of compulsive work. No set goal achieved satisfies. Success only breeds a new goal. The golden apple devoured has seeds. It is endless." — Bette Davis

"You can't just sit there and wait for people to give you that golden dream. You've got to get out there and make it happen for yourself." — Diana Ross

"I am just too much." — Joan Crawford (No wire hangers! EVER!)