An Experienced Swinger Answers 11 Questions You've Been DYING To Ask

Fifteen years into an uber-conservative, no-sex-until-marriage marriage, I got a vibrator. And then … I got my first orgasm. Having never had sex before I married my husband (and rarely talking about sex with anyone else who had a clue) I’d spent nearly a decade and a half cloistered and quiet, having little understanding of what I was even allowed to aim for, ask for, and expect.  

When my beautiful, curly-haired cousin who lives in the south of France heard about my situation, she immediately rushed to my aid. As a long-time swinger with as many years of experience in sex clubs, orgies, and lesbian threesomes, she offered tohttps://www.yourtango.com/2017299440/never-have-i-ever-questions-best-g…https://www.yourtango.com/2017299440/never-have-i-ever-questions-best-game-ever, no holding back, no holds barred, in the hopes that she could shortcut my learning curve to mad hot sex.

I had questions. Lots of them. I sent her a list and she generously replied. With complete honesty. To every. single. one.

With our identities masked and names changed to protect the sex hounds, we figured it was high time to share my questions, her insights, and our conversation. Because when a swinger answers a “virgins” sex questions, the embarrassment dissolves, the experience encourages, and the orgasms get, well, more awesome. You can take my word for it.

1. So, I’m super-duper inhibited in bed (seeing as how I just got my first orgasm THIS year, after 15 entire years of marriage. For real). How do I break through that more often? Help!

Having orgasms takes time; you have to figure out what you like. Seriously! It's different for everybody. Once you find "the spot", you can reach the place more often.

2. What do you do when your mind gets too noisy and it's hard to relax and feel sexy or even remotely in the mood?

If I am totally not at all in the mood, which happens exactly once a month and lasts one full week, I do not have sex. Period. The Hubs can wait or find someone else to have sex with. I am not a machine!

3. Do you ever just getsick of talking about sex? 

I don't talk about sex that much, much to my husband's dismay. When I open up, he starts drinking it up like a dehydrated elephant because he knows I'll only talk about it for a certain amount of time and then it won't happen again for a long time. How do I balance his male sex drive with my own? Honestly, he has had to adapt to my speed, rather than the other way around. I really hate doing something I don't want to do, like HATE IT, so my husband knows if he wants it and I'm showing no signs of openness, he's going to have to do some work.

4. Sometimes I feel aggravated about how long it takes to get me going that I'd rather not invest the time. Thoughts? 

Ah yes, I know this feeling. Sometimes it truly is just "too much work". That may be the result of trying to do it too often. It also may be the result of "why bother?" If you haven't been having orgasms, then what's the point? Hopefully with a new perspective, you can replace that anger or blase attitude with "I am going to get something out of this — something that makes me feel goooood."

5. Which sex experiences do you most regret? 

I don't regret any of them. They weren't all stellar (like my high school crush — I hadn't really properly warned him about my swinging situation and he had a girlfriend and I think he felt conflicted because he wasn't mentally prepared for what I sprung on him. So it was a little disappointing and I felt like I had wasted my time). Another guy — who I'll call volleyball dad —  fell in love with me, which caused problems because that's outside the rules and we went about it all wrong, which resulted in his wife (who was not in the loop) finding out and, of course, being incredibly unhappy about the situation. So I regret not laying the ground rules down with him. He was the only guy that had a wife that wasn't in the know and after that I vowed to only get involved with single men or men who have open wives.

6. What was your best sex experience?

Volleyball guy was hands down the best sex. Amazing. But he needed a shaving lesson. My friend's roommate was great because he was young enough to look really good and be super-fun but not so young that he didn't know what was going on. But man, he was super sweaty. Like fountains of sweat.In general, the experiences I'm most glad I've had are the ones that were unexpected. There was major electricity with my friend's roommate. I didn't even know he existed when I showed up at her house; the tension was great.

Going to a swinger's club was fascinating, disgusting and exciting. It allowed me a safe place to just have a look at other people. I didn't have to participate if I didn't want to. I'm really glad I've had sex with girls. Like I said to you long ago, I'm not really bisexual but I genuinely appreciate a woman's body. It feels good, it's soft — I like real boobs because mine are fake — and I find that girl/girl images turn me on and dancing with girls in an erotic way offers this funny complicity between "friends," like you both know you're hot and the guy you're with is watching and can hardly handle himself.

7. What's your favorite thing your husband does to make sex enjoyable for you? 

He's really good at oral sex. He insists he likes it, which is good, because it helps facilitate the physiological response your body needs to be prepared for sex. Your vaginal area fills with blood making it puffy and fluid is secreted to prepare for what is coming. It all works that way for a reason. When he touches me throughout the day, he has a way better chance of action later. I like being touched. My shoulder, my leg, my hair. Doesn't really matter. Not even sexually — just touch. He lets me do what I want to get to that happy place. Almost 100% of the time I have an orgasm while I am on top of him. I move myself in a certain way to do that and he knows he just has to work his hands a little and I will do the rest. This is important because if a guy feels like he's in charge of your orgasm, there can be a conflict. 

8. What's your favorite thing other guys have done to make sex fantastic? 

I've found that sex is pretty much the same no matter who the guy is. How crazy is that!? I never thought about it — but they all have the same moves, they all say the same stuff. This is where electricity comes in. There's something about a particular guy that makes him interesting or different. Regis (volleyball guy) had these crazy blue eyes, almost translucent. And he was really tall, which was something I had never experienced. Nicolas (my neighbor) always massages my skin and tells me he loves my crazy hair. Each guy was respectful, patient and seemed genuinely "grateful" for the experience. That's the kind of attitude it takes for good sex. Even if it gets a little more naughty/hard during the act, the end is always like "Hey, that was good. Thanks!"

9. How do you fit all of this sex stuff into regular life with KIDS?! Does it ever make you feel guilty that you're being selfish and not a good mom?

This may sound harsh, but my kids come second. Honest to goodness. They are always bathed and clothed and usually their homework is done and sometimes they go to bed too late, but that's okay. Sometimes we have sex in total silence because our house is small and I don't want the kids to hear us because that's gross. But we do it anyway. I have the luxury of having a husband who often works from the house so we can have sex in the afternoon, which I really love. I hate morning sex and obviously evening sex is the most practical but I am so tired by 10 and my husband usually stays up until 2 am.

I really, truly believe that you have to take care of yourself first. The kids are capable and by doing everything for them or hovering, etc. we can make ourselves sick. Through our process of leaving our church and me going to therapy for depression, I know that we had too many kids. I was not meant to be a mother of four kids. I wouldn't send any of them back but I feel tremendous stress and pressure from mothering so often I have a very laissez-faire attitude. I'm working on it because we need more structure but my husband and I are number 1. Kids are number 2.

10. How do you get yourself in the mood when you don't like having sex at all?

This is a tough one. During that one week a month I am in such a weird/different place that sex almost never happens. Other times, I try to think of people I would really like to sleep with or I use my "go to" mental scenarios that usually get me excited. For example, I often picture being at a restaurant and excusing myself to use the restroom. When I've just walked out, a handsome stranger in the restaurant literally grabs me, pushes me against the wall and starts kissing me. Sometimes he's a stranger, sometimes he's Brad Pitt, sometimes he's a guy I knew in college.

Another fantasy is usually a scene in the locker room at the gym with one of the women I see there. Or porn. Sometimes my husband takes me to our room knowing it's going to be a slow process. He'll offer me a massage (which I love and he hates) and he usually has his computer on hand to pop open a Redtube video, which is like Youtube but with porn. It's free so you can watch a quick video without much effort and it's all categorized so it's easy to find what you want.

11. What's the one sexual thing you think everyone should try at least once? 

Drink champagne or a fruity vodka drink until you feel just silly enough (but aren't wasted) and then having sex somewhere weird. Way back when we were first married, we had sex after my work Christmas party in the car on the way to the airport — we pulled off the freeway. We did it in the dressing room of a sporting goods store, in the bathroom DURING our wedding reception at my husband's parent's house. Outside is also really nice if the weather is perfect and you have a nice blanket. I think every woman should try sex with another woman. One thing you should never try? Anything to do with choking or real violence.