123 Reactions To The World's Most Epic List Of Dealbreakers

123 Reactions To The World's Most Epic List Of Dealbreakers

123 Reactions To The World's Most Epic List Of Dealbreakers

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According to this guy, I'm clearly doomed to die alone.

So there's this guy on OkCupid who CLEARLY has standards. In fact, he is SO committed to finding The One, that he's outlined 123 of these specified standards in a list I'm dubbing easily as "The World's Most Epic List Of Dealbreakers." This sparkling little gem — now resurfacing from Tumblr — covers everything from subway etiquette to reading material to musical preferences.

Yeah, and you thought your last date was bad.

Just for funsies, I decided to see how I might stack up against this seemingly never-ending list of "don'ts" (I'm keeping the dude's poor spelling and punctuation for the sake of consistency). And after taking this test, it turns out that I'm basically doomed to singledom forever.


1. you listen to the Doors

At what frequency? Like, once in awhile when my iPod is on shuffle or every other minute? In a world where THIS kind of crap is passed off as "music", I think the Doors is the LEAST offensive musical talent out there, man.

2. you have photos of yourself in some sort of forced perspective with a famous landmark


3. you like drawn mustache fingers

I am a confessed pogonophile — does that come too close?

4. 4/5 of your photos are you at a wedding

Hey now, given that I dressed up to look smart and sophisticated for this nuptial event, I think I should be entitled to snag a selfie or two, no?

5. you have tattoos you can't see without a mirror

I've yet to be tatted up, so I think we're in the clear for now.

6. you have tattoos that can't be covered (neck, face, hands, etc)

Wait so do you LIKE tattoos or HATE tattoos? I'm confused.

7. you have piercings that will leave gaping holes in your body forever


8. you consider yourself bi-sexual but have no interest in a longterm relationship with someone of the same sex

Well, I don't consider myself bisexual ... but this single dealbreaker tackles two different issues: commitment and sexuality. CLARIFY, PLEASE.

9. you have any affiliation with any religion

I'm a non-practicing WASP, but I do go to mass on Christmas when my mother guilts me into it. So I guess you should count me (and the 99 percent of the world's population) out.

10. you have photos of yourself covering your mouth, your friend covering their ears, and another friend covering their eyes

(You should really lump these photo requirements together into one section. That way, I can more easily go through the entire collection of my documented life over the past 24 years. #eyeroll)

11. you say "yolo", or anything of this ilk

I counter this with MY dealbreaker: douchebags who use the term "ilk".

12. your desire in life is power and prestige

I'm not like genie Jafar from Aladdin ("The ultimate POWER!"), but I would not like to live in a cardboard box, thanks. Can we aim for a happy compromise here?

13. your career, which you worked very hard for, will vanish, to be replaced by children that you suddenly discovered you always wanted

My career can "vanish" into thin air? CHILDREN STEAL CAREERS?! OH GOD.

14. you don't shower daily

Keeping up personal hygiene isn't unreasonable. Just make sure to practice what you preach, guy. I'll be the first to let you know if you're stinkin' up the place.

Janice from Mean Girls

15. you dye your hair light blonde

Are you simply against a bad dye job or against blondes altogether? I'm a natural blonde, guy. Didn't you ever hear that we have the most fun? #wink

16. you want a home birth

You just said I can't "suddenly" be overcome with the maternal instinct to have kids, so why would it even get this far to deciding birthing styles?

17. you think you deserve chivalry, rather than earn it, through your own polite demeanor

Hm. Well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black, bro?

18. you talk full volume on your phone in a congested public place

So that time I drunkenly cried on the phone in the middle of an Applebees counts I guess? Oops.

19. you wear massive headphones

Yes, please advise me on what products to buy as well as how to use my listening devices. But as long as I don't have the Doors on my iPod, we're good though, right?

20. you don't follow traffic laws when biking/driving

Who hasn't jaywalked at least once in their life? C'mon. LIVE ON THE EDGE.

21. you are shocked that people are becoming more cynical

(No, I'm not shocked. But guy, you're not helping with this societal epidemic.)

22. you think world peace is actually a goal of some sort

But world domination is — MWAHAHA. Oh wait, you said I couldn't reach for prestige and power. So which is it?

23. you tell the same joke in the same circumstance time and time again

Hey! Some funny anecdotes are hilarious TIME AND TIME AGAIN. It's not my fault if you have the sense of humor equivalent to a piece of toast. Like, that time my dog barked at the water in our backyard pool for 3 hours? I tell that joke repeatedly. Y' know, why?

Orange Is The New Black joke

24. you demand respect, but, would also happily become a trophy wife if the money were good enough

Do you demand respect simply by being a "trophy" husband? You don't seem like any kind of award I want to win.

25. you walk through crowds looking at your phone

If I walk through crowds looking at my phone, my chances of getting hit by a bus and dying are like, tripled. So don't worry. You won't have to date me.

26. you name drop near strangers to let them know how much cooler you are than them

"So I know [insert your name here] on OKCupid with this epic list of dealbreakers." Oh, woops I dropped your name. My bad. Oh wait, that's right YOU'RE NOT COOL.

27. you play 5 chords on the guitar and sing like jewel/lisa loeb/dido/etc

Well, if I can't listen to the Doors on my enormous ear-engulfing headphones,