4 Sneaky Ways Narcissism Quietly Shows Up In The Person You’re With, According To Psychology
Narcissism often lurks in charm, control, and sneaky emotional games.
Ways Narcissism Quietly Shows Up in the Man You’re With, According To Psychology Loving a narcissist is, sadly, a fairly common occurrence for men (and women), and knowing how to identify one is necessary for your sanity and self-esteem. Before we get to the signs of narcissism to watch out for, understand that no one is a fool for dating one.
Some traits or disorders are found more among men or women, but narcissism strikes men and women equally. According to The Cleveland Clinic, a small percentage of men and women — under 5 percent — meet the criteria for full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but a much higher number of people have narcissistic traits.
Here are the ways narcissism quietly shows up in the person you’re with:
1. They redirect the conversation to themselves
Narcissists love talking about themselves and their accomplishments. They brag without even realizing it, and their conversations must focus far more on them than on you.
A narcissist will talk at length about his day, but does not seem so interested when you talk about yours; a narcissist loves going out when they make the plans, but they seem bored or pouty when you set the plans; the narcissist looks for comfort from you when they're upset, but the way they comfort you when you are upset feels too quick and shallow to truly comfort you. In essence, the narcissist is simply not good at feeling empathy for you or anyone.
2. They love attention and will do whatever's necessary to get it
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Narcissists are often extremely flirtatious, and relationships with narcissists usually involve frequent arguments about fidelity, jealousy, and flirtation. Narcissists need something called "narcissistic supply," which is a psychological term that refers to the attention that fuels them.
Intimate attention is one of the most basic types of attention, and narcissists try to get as much of this attention as possible. If you date a narcissist, they may flirt with someone else right in front of you or may show a little too much physical affection to a random person (e.g., putting an arm around the shoulder, getting "handsy.")
Narcissists are famous for keeping the metaphorical door open with exes and others who show interest, as they need constant attention and reassurance that they’re desired and wanted. Sadly, narcissists are also motivated to flirt or elicit attention from others as a means of solidifying their power over the other person in the relationship. Narcissistic supply refers to the admiration, attention, and validation that narcissists crave to sustain their sense of self-worth.
A 2019 study found that they actively seek out this supply by presenting a false self and targeting vulnerable individuals to manipulate and control. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic supply can help you understand and protect yourself from manipulative individuals. These signs can include constant attention-seeking, entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a tendency to exploit others.
It goes like this: "See how much everyone wants me? Don't forget it." The underlying message: "Don't forget I have more power than you in the relationship."
3. They can't handle even the smallest whiff of criticism
Narcissists can't tolerate the simplest whiff of criticism. Though they present an act to the world that suggests that they are completely in love with themselves, the truth is that they feel deeply insecure underneath the polished, self-loving exterior.
In a relationship, two partners are bound to have the occasional problem with the other person; in a relationship with a narcissist, you simply aren't allowed to have any problems with them at all. Narcissists desperately hang onto the belief that they are perfect, so hearing anything to the contrary must be blocked out and denied. If you criticize a narcissist too much, they will simply leave the relationship and dispose of you like an object.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be susceptible to criticism, often reacting with anger, defensiveness, or devaluing the critic. 2021 research explained that their self-esteem is fragile, and criticism threatens their grandiose sense of self. They may struggle to accept constructive feedback as it challenges their idealized self-image.
4. They won't take accountability when they're wrong
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If a 24-hour hotline existed for the victims of narcissists, most calls would involve a lack of accountability. Simply put, narcissists won't take accountability for what they've done that is wrong or hurtful. In an argument, for example, a narcissist will say or do something but completely deny it a moment later.
What's more, narcissists often flip the negative behavior onto the other person and suggest that the other person is the one who said or did the terrible thing. To most people, this dance is confusing and crazy-making, creating insidious doubt. Trying to get a narcissist to say they were wrong or to apologize in a heartfelt way is a losing game — it's simply not going to happen.
A 2012 study concluded that when confronted with their mistakes, narcissists may deny the event ever happened, deny their involvement, or shift the blame onto others. This is a defense mechanism to avoid feeling vulnerable and maintain their superiority.
If you get an apology, odds are that it is issued as a means to keep the peace and get you off their back — not because they mean it. With narcissists, the same bad behavior will keep popping up again because the narcissist's personality is extremely resistant to change.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and TV guest expert. He treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships and parenting. He is the author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
