We Asked 4 Renowned Relationship Experts: Is Monogamy Even Realistic Anymore?
Four experts untangle biology, monogamy, and commitment.
BGStock72 | Canva Are we biologically equipped to spend our lives with one person? Is monogamy even realistic?
Our changing culture and values (not to mention longer lifespans!) are making a committed relationship seem harder than ever, but that doesn't mean you can't have a happy, faithful, and fulfilling marriage.
Relationship experts John Gray, LiYana Silver, Debi Berndt, and Tammy Nelson chatted with YourTango Experts Senior VP Melanie Gorman about what makes couples go the distance. You may even find that your committed relationship is better than when you were casually dating.
We asked 4 renowned relationship experts: Is monogamy even realistic anymore?
1. Humans are not predisposed to monogamy — it takes practice
There's been a lot written about monogamy and whether or not we're predisposed to be monogamous, as exemplified by a study on hetero-monogamy as a construct. Is it realistic to spend our lives committed to one person? Or is it the wrong argument?
We're not biologically predisposed to eating with a fork either, but we learn to use it as we practice. Monogamy is a practice, it's a choice you make every day like yoga, meditation, or playing the piano. You get better at it as you go along.
2. There are changes and challenges to monogamous relationships
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Research on the evolutionary consideration of monogamy and non-monogamy suggests that it's different for every couple, so in our time, monogamy is challenging. This is the first time in history you can cheat on your partner lying in bed next to them.
The whole concept of monogamous relationships is changing and the challenges are changing as well. We have to redefine how we look at monogamy, how we work with it, and how we make it happen.
Can you be monogamous? Of course, you can. Is it harder than ever? I think so. We're supposed to do it with the same person for longer than ever now because we're living longer. So we can't go on the same rules we have in the past. It is a whole new world and we need a new concept of what monogamy means.
3. More people are in non-monogamous relationship than you may think
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We need to look at actions versus words because there's a lot of rhetoric around monogamy being the gold standard for relationships. A study on extramarital sex in the United States in the last three decades shows how so many of us are having non-monogamous relationships but we're lying about it.
Can we have a grownup conscious honest conversation about what monogamy would take and if we can remove the deceit? That would give us a huge step toward being able to commit long-term.
4. Research supports that there are plenty of benefits to monogamy
There are benefits to relationships if you're monogamous. The longer you're with someone in a committed trustworthy monogamous relationship, the more you grow.
The benefits of monogamy are not just the fact you can create a stable family. It goes beyond that, as supported by research on the benefit of monogamy. People have learned to master monogamy and have lasting passion for a lifetime.
It's not about what you look like or how good you are in bed. It's about who you are as a person and understanding yourself more than the superficial conditioning you've been programmed to be in by society.
Having someone love you for all you are is better than the greatest sex in the world. We are not necessarily hardwired for monogamy, but we are whole people whose full brains are engaged and can be wired for monogamy. We can choose to be committed happily to one person for the rest of our lives.
Check out the video above to learn how to nurture your monogamous relationship, and why it's so important.
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