Surprise! These 8 ‘Bad’ Relationship Moments Are Completely Normal
These moments are actually signs you're growing, not breaking.
ASphotostudio | Canva You probably don't love the idea of being "normal." After all, isn't it better to be above-average in terms of smarts, looks, and success? But sometimes normal is exactly what you need — reassurance that you're not alone in an experience. Such is the case with romantic relationships. Do you ever wonder how yours stacks up against others? Wellness entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup worked with two of America’s top sociologists, Dr. Pepper Schwartz and Dr. James White, to write The Normal Bar.
Nearly 100,000 respondents around the world were surveyed about their relationships, from their behaviors to how happy they were. By studying the results, you can see not only how your relationship compares, but also how small changes could improve it. Below are 8 signs your relationship is "normal," when compared to those of other Americans. Not good, not bad, just normal.
These 8 ‘bad’ relationship moments are completely normal:
1. You wish your partner was more romantic
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Conventional wisdom says that women care more about romance and men care more about being intimate. The Normal Bar shows that, yes, both of these are in high demand, but also that the two desires aren't all that far apart — more romance generally means more intimacy. And, curiously, 64 percent of men who took the survey said they crave more romance, compared to 63 percent of women.
A psychotherapist who reflected on what he's learned through his professional experience with male clients explained that men actually care deeply about romance, but tend to experience it differently than the stereotype suggests. The core of what men find romantic is feeling genuinely seen and valued by their partners through small, everyday displays of affection and understanding.
2. You and your partner don't show PDA
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Speaking of romance, or lack thereof … If you've been with your partner long-term, you've probably noticed a change in how often you kiss, the frequency of intimacy, and, well, just about everything. After 10 years in a relationship, nearly half of all couples stop showing affection in public. The same applies to people aged 45 and older.
According to relationship expert Nicola Beer, "A lack of affection can be one of the first things to happen in a relationship after you get married and have children." As couples navigate the demands of long-term commitment, work, family obligations, and other responsibilities, physical affection naturally takes a backseat.
3. You have dreams that aren't about your partner
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Go ahead. Fantasize about George Clooney. The survey says that 53 percent of men and 38 percent of women admit to thinking about someone other than their partner. (Hmmm... How many just aren't admitting it?) Another finding: It has nothing to do with how happy or attracted they are to their sweetheart.
According to one study that surveyed 18,000 people, having fantasies is an absolutely normal part of life. Nine out of ten people have fantasies, with researchers believing the remaining tenth person likely does too, but is simply too embarrassed to admit it.
4. You keep a separate bank account
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We teach our kids that sharing is caring, but that doesn't mean that everything that's mine is yours. A whopping 60 percent of couples without kids and 40 percent with kids keep separate bank accounts. Still, whether they have separate or joint accounts, 62 percent of married couples share equal access to each other's accounts and investments.
For many, maintaining a separate bank account is an important expression of personal control and independence. Survey data shows widespread variation in how couples structure their finances: among engaged and newlywed couples, 43.8% maintain completely separate accounts, 32.5% have a blend of separate and joint accounts, and 23.6% have completely joint accounts.
5. You aren't bothered by the idea of a prenup
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Only 3.6 percent of surveyed married couples have prenups, but that doesn't mean they’re morally opposed to them. More than half, 53 percent, of respondents said they wouldn't be upset if their partner had asked for one.
Studies on prenuptial attitudes indicate a shift in how people view these agreements with it being reframed as a practical financial planning tool. Younger generations demonstrate more openness to prenups as part of responsible financial conversations in relationships.
6. You think you have a happier relationship than your friends
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True or false: Your friends have happier relationships than you. If you answered false, you're part of the 46 percent of couples who think they're happier. Another 37 percent of couples think they're equally happy in love, and 17 percent think their own relationship is less happy.
The response varies by how long couples have been together. People newly in love are more likely to think they're happier. People in long-term relationships are more likely to think the grass is greener for their friends. Either way, your answer to the question isn't really about your friends. It's about you.
7. You don't entirely trust your partner
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You love your partner. You'd do anything for him or her. But only 53 percent of men and 39 percent of women are completely trusting. Yikes.
Research on relationship expectations by The Gottman Institute shows that mismatched expectations are a significant source of relational dissatisfaction. Trust exists on a spectrum and is influenced by attachment styles, past experiences, and individual differences.
8. You've read your partner's email
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Have you ever snooped around your partner's inbox? Fifty-four percent of women and 49 percent of men have. The snooping didn't necessarily have anything to do with being suspicious.
Some people say women are just more nosy, err, curious. But hey, maybe men are more likely to forget to log out of their email accounts. So, how normal is your relationship? And what "normal" behaviors would you like to change for the better?
Amanda Green is a writer with experience in copywriting, branded content, social media, and editorial.
