I love my kids and would do anything for them. But I love my husband more.
By Amber Doty — Written on Aug 24, 2022
Photo: Lucky Business / Shutterstock
Less than one month after my husband and I got married — before I even mailed thank you notes for our wedding gifts — I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test.
Eight and a half months into our marriage, while we were still getting comfortable in our roles as husband and wife, we suddenly became mom and dad.
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I won't say that our son was poorly planned — we were both anxious to start our family — but I will say that in hindsight becoming a mother in the same year that you become a wife is not for the weak.
The first year of our son's life was the most difficult of our marriage to date, and it is also the year I learned a very important lesson: My husband must always come before our children.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and would do anything for them.
But I put my husband before my kids.
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When I share this with my mom friends, it's usually met with outrage and total shock. After all, this goes against the golden rule of motherhood, the one that tells us being a good parent means sacrificing all for the happiness and well-being of our children.
Putting aside our own needs for theirs is practically a requirement but, I'm sorry, I'm just not buying it.
But, to some, the concept that kids would ever come second seems ludicrous. In a survey conducted by YourTango, half of the experts polled believed that wives should prioritize their husbands over their kids. As you can imagine, the commenters were less than enthused.
And I get it. There's no question that the bond between a mother and child is unbreakable. But I view my investment in my relationship with my spouse as one that is beneficial to our family as a whole.
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Prioritizing my husband's needs decreases our chances of getting divorced; it also increases the probability that our children will remain in a two-parent home.
I strongly believe that modeling a healthy relationship for our children sets the foundation for how they form bonds when they get older.
In my opinion, my husband and I are the first examples of what being in a happy marriage is like. Our kids learn how they should treat their future significant others (and what they should expect in return) by watching us.
Raising them in a home with parents who clearly love and value one another is key to their growth. For me, this means putting my husband first.
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With very few exceptions, you will not find our kids in our bed at night. If we can only afford to take one vacation a year, we take it alone, and I feel no guilt about soliciting the help of family so that we can have a date night where we talk about anything but our children.
In a few years, our son and daughter will leave our home, and when they do, I want to celebrate a job well done with my lover — not sit in a quiet house with a person who has become a stranger as a result of years of quietly drifting apart.
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Amber Doty is a scientific researcher turned writer. She blogs regularly about depression and motherhood.