You Don't "Luck Into" Love: How To Find It

For those who are single or starting over, dating can be daunting. Maybe you'd love to settle down, but the methods of meeting a man just don't seem to be working, and everywhere you turn, advice abounds.

"Try dating online!" your friends suggest. "Been there, done that," you think.

"You need to meet my brother—his missing teeth and eye patch are totally charming," your colleague offers.

"You should just settle down. So what if Harry doesn't call as much as you'd like? At least you won't die alone!" your mother urges.

On top of the well-meaning but poorly received advice, there's the damage that years of dating or looking for "the one" can do to one's self-esteem, motivation and optimism. Dr. Diana Kirschner, a psychologist and love expert who contributes regularly to the Today show, wants to revolutionize the way women look for love. Her book, Love in 90 Days, presents some ideas that—on the surface—may seem unappealing. For example, Dr. Diana advocates a strict "no sex" policy for the early phase of the relationship. Sound dull? Well, she does want you to to date three men at once. That better?

Whether divorced, recently out of a relationship or so single it could be your middle name, Dr. Diana's dating advice can help you identify what you want from a relationship and, with a little bit of luck, find it in three months. YourTango caught up with the love doctor to discuss her program and book.

YT: What is the 90 Days program?

Dr. Diana: The 90 Days program is a four-pronged approach. The first thing you do is identify and break your "Deadly Dating" patterns. Then you go on what I call a "Dating Program of Three," where you date three guys—but no sex with any of them. Number three—you work on your self-sabotaging ideas, your beliefs, like "I'm too old," "I'm too fat" or "There are no good men out there." You also cultivate what I call your "Diamond Self," which really helps you bust through shyness. The last thing that you do is you get yourself a "Love Mentor." This is somebody who is like a fairy godmother, who gives you the most profound support and really helps you find "the one." And all of these things work together and help you succeed in creating the love you really want.

What makes the 90 day program successful?

Doing the inner work that is necessary. You work with your self-sabotaging ideas and thoughts that are holding you back. "It's my cellulite. It's…" whatever your thoughts are that are negative.  But you also go out there and you follow these techniques where you meet lots of guys.  And you also learn how to attract them and date them. So you have inner work and outer work, and each supports the other.

How much about finding love is effort versus chance? 

People say, "If it was meant to happen, it would happen." Now, in what other area of life would you ever take that attitude? I mean, "If I was meant to be fit, it would just happen. I would be fit?" Or, "If I was meant to learn French, it would just happen. I would know French." Well, you know, love isn't any different. Luck meets the prepared mind, right?  So, you have to be prepared, and you have to work on yourself. Number one is your own self-love and, then, you have to put yourself out there.

Next: Dating three guys at one time; Deadly Dating Habits; Learning from Queen Latifah; and Duds vs. Studs...

So, what's with this "dating program of three?" You want women to date three men at once?

Yes. But you don't have sex with any of them. Sex starts this whole business of oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone that you get from physical touch. Dopamine is also involved and it's the rocket fuel of addictive love. So your body can start falling in love with someone and it could be someone who's just not into you. 

If you go on the dating program of three you avoid that flame of over-involvement. You also empower yourself—you tell the guys on the second date that this is what you're doing and the good ones hang in there because they know you're special.

But it's hard enough finding one guy to date. How're you supposed to get three?

That's what everybody says: "Three guys!?" The first thing you do is sign up for two online dating sites. I recommend one that is large and one is a boutique site—something like JDate or Greensingles.com, so it's based on your background or your interests.  Number two—you meet guys offline by going to activities and classes where there are lots of men in them: business, leadership and sport activities, wine tasting, cigar tasting. Whatever sounds like fun to you.

What are deadly dating habits?

These are the dating patterns where we make the same mistakes over and over and over again. A common one is "The Flameout": we meet a hottie, we jump in too soon, we're spending five-hour dates with him, we're having sex with him, it's unbelievable—and it disappears. No text, no email, no call, no nothing. 

Another one is called "Not perfect, I'll pass," which is being really picky and judgmental. "When we were at the Starbucks, he spilled his coffee on himself, so I can't take another look at him."

Another one is "Crumbs." You settle for whatever you can get. Let's say you're in love with somebody who's like the character Mr. Big used to be on Sex and the City before he married Carrie. You settle for crumbs because you think that's the best you're going to get. The guy may be married or a player, but you stay with him anyway.

I have 13 deadly dating patterns in Love in 90 Days, and there are fix-its for each one.

Can you give us a clue about the fix-its?

When you choose guys based on the "duds vs studs" criteria, it'll break through your deadly dating patterns. A dud is a definitely unworkable dude. A stud is a seriously terrific, utterly devoted dude. The three criteria that separate the duds from the studs are questions you have to ask yourself: One: is this guy crazy about me? Two: is he willing to grow? And three: is he meeting the basics? That is, is he a good guy?  Does he have integrity and want the same things you want? 

Answering the questions stops you from being too picky. It stops you from being a hermit or just taking crumbs. These particular criteria help you give a chance to the guys that are "not your type."

What is the "diamond self?"

Dr. Diana: If you're shy, one of the things you can do is work on is what I call your diamond self, which has to do with remembering a time when you felt fantastic, connected and lovable. Then, you actually give yourself a name—kind of like what Queen Latifah did. Her real name is Dana Owens, but she gave herself a "diamond self" name and you can see that it's very self-loving and empowering. You do this before you go into a party, and all of a sudden it's fun.

What's a Love Mentor?; Healing a broken heart; Secret to online dating success; and how happy couples do it...

What's a love mentor? A lot of people feel they should be able to do this on their own.

A lot of self-help books say "You really have to do it on your own; you can't rely on anybody else." The Love in 90 Days approach takes the opposite tack. It's really powerful to have someone whom you look up to, who can give you the support, validation and hope that you need to go out there and create a relationship that is really fulfilling.

A great love mentor is someone who gives you what you need, like a swift kick in the butt. They'll confront you when you're 40 pounds overweight, and say, "Well, you know, you want to take a look at yourself." A really great love mentor is someone who is in a great relationship so they know the road, too. 

Are there steps women can take to get back up and move on after heartache?

There was a recent study where they found that people who are rejected show activity in the brain in the same area where the brain registers physical pain. If you have broken up or feel rejected, the pain that you feel is real and it's physiological. The same group of researchers also found that if you're in this position it helps to spend time with loved ones because it releases natural opiates in the brain and these are pain killers.

The other thing is to get out there, online and offline, and date again. Studies have shown that even if you marry on the rebound, you're not anymore likely to get divorced than if you if you're not married on the rebound. So get out there. Put your attention on other guys. 

What are your secrets for online dating?
 
For rapid online dating success, you have to lower your expectations. I tell women to expect nothing. Even when the guy is writing you the most incredible emails—he's telling you he wants to take you to this art exhibit, and that he's never met anyone like you—you expect nothing. In my experience, as many as 4 out of 5 guys will simply fall away. This is a numbers game and the deal is: If you hang in there, you will find these fabulous guys. But you can't give up too soon.

Also: your photo is everything. Don't just throw a crummy photo up there. Men are visual.

The last chapter is called "How Happy Couples Work." How do happy couples work?

There have been many studies that show that happy, healthy couples have similar characteristics. And, there are eight habits that I talk about in the book. Healthy couples are the best of best friends. They have a ratio of five to one, positive to negative interactions: five validating, nurturing, or loving interactions, non-verbally or verbally, to one negative.

When I studied healthy couples I found that some of them even had a higher ratio, like ten loving interactions to one negative.  So, think about that, you're looking for a best friend with super chemistry. And then you have it all.

How has your own relationship changed the way you counsel women?

Everything that I do is influenced by my own relationship. I've been married for more than 25 years to Sam. I broke through my own deadly dating patterns—which were extremely severe—to be able to be married to Sam. And Sam is crazy about me. He's willing to grow, and he's a good guy.  This love is my own private lab. The real reason I wrote this book is that I'd like to help people find the kind of relationship that I have. He even helped me with writing the endnotes, which gives you a feel for the whole thing! He totally supports me, and I totally support him.

Watch our video interview with Dr. Diana here.