When It Comes To Long-Term Love, Do Looks Matter?
I'm blond, he likes brunettes; can we last forever?
Today on Shine a user posted an interesting problem. She has long blond hair that she loves and is proud of, however her boyfriend has told her he prefers brunettes. This stresses her out because she and her sweetie are getting serious and talking marriage, and she's concerned. "If I am going to spend the rest of my life with one man in the whole world, I want that one man to be the most attracted to the features that I have," she writes.
When she brought it up with her man he said that her hair color isn't important, but she's still stuck on the issue: "Why spend my life with a guy who is more attracted to a feature that I don't have? It really makes me feel bad when I think about it."
She asked the Shine community to weigh in. Below are some of their answers.
The clichéd but true response: If he's really the kind of guy worth being with, then he'll love you for who you are on the inside, not what you look like on the outside.
The immature response: y do u think that because you have blong hair your so much better then brunnettes? if you dont like it get another boyfriend or dye yhour hair.
The practical response: I dont suggest you dye your hair yourself from blonde to brunette cause thats a drastic step and you may end up kind of streaky doing it yourself the first time.
The mature response: When you say you've talked about marriage, what exactly was discussed? Children? Finances? Religion? In-laws? These are things to be concerned about. Hair color? If this is what has you worried, then you most certainly are not ready to marry anyone.
Dear reader, what's your response? Is his hair color preference something to be worried about? And how important are looks to long-term love?
Discussion
i know how outside beauty is a thing to worry about with a guy..but as far as the hair it shouldn't matter as long it's not dyed all different colors..stick to one main color because it may take a while for the guy to get use to and i don't think that hair color should be an issue as long as you act like the same person without the hair color change..and if it's long term, looks shouldn't be that important unless your gaining uncontrolable weight. There are some concerns that the guy is going to want to know and for you, the woman, to get checked out. Anyway I say as long as there's love in the relationship, looks shouldn't be a problem.
Um...ok. Obviously if you guys are talking marriage, there are more substantive issues to discuss. Like children, finances, etc. So why are you stuck on something he said way back when? You're both serious, he loves you, let it go. If you can't then there's something that YOU need to deal with.
Your partner chose you for a reason right! maybe he likes the tall one, maybe he likes blond, maybe he likes black skin etc. all that doesn't matter anymore coz' he chooses YOU as their loved one, special one..that means the whole packaged of YOU. No need to change your looks..just be your beautiful self and love him the best you can that's all that matters.
My best friend's ex-boyfriend liked blonds, so she kept her hair died blond. She went back to her natural brunette state after the brake up. She ran into him 2 years latter, and he gushed about how great she looked as a brunette. (She does look better as a brunette.)
I think your man will always look at women with dark hair, I don't think it matters what color hair the woman he marries has, when he glances at a good looking woman walking down the street she will have dark hair. His hair preference goes only as far as what attracts his attention. As a woman who has a type, from experience I know that if I'm on the hunt I look for my type, but if I'm lucky enough to get to know someone before dating them, they don't have to fit all of my "type"s characteristics.
simple solution: don a sexy brunette wig for occasional fantasy sex activities.
I agree with Seaman, why would the BF even go there...I wonder, are these two still together?
As a male, perhaps I can shed some much needed light. While you women may think it would be great if men didn't concern themselves with looks, the truth is that we do and there are some very biological reasons for it. In other words, it's hard-wired for a reason and it's therefore NOT shallow. The reason is that attractive people are generally healthier which makes for a higher chance of survival for potential offspring. Again, this is biological. We cannot walk across a crowded bar and give you a medical exam. We have to make many judgments about women based on what we can observe. Women do the same thing in different ways. You observe our cars and use it as a measuring stick to see if we can provide for you and/or potential children, for example. Moving on...
I prefer brunettes and my wife is a brunette. There have been times we have been in a restaurant or somewhere and I see a blonde. She sees me look and goes back to her menu and mumbles, she's a blonde, I need not worry. But the truth is that he will always have this preference and it will come back. Worst case, he has an affair with his desired type. Or he may just always look. He may go to strip clubs specifically to see brunettes. This preference will not only always be around but it will rear its head.
My wife said I should post my solution because she said a woman either wouldn't think of this or would think they were crazy if they had the idea and dismiss it. So, here goes...
You need not break up over this. I say this because while some would see it as silly to even entertain breaking up over this, it is a small irreconcilable difference and it will grow. Therefore, you have to make a decision now if you wish to cut losses and avoid future trouble in this area. And I don't think you should dye your hair (unless you just want to do that). But, while that is the kind of giving that makes marriages work (I'm on my 16th year of marriage so I know a little about the give and take), being something you will resent in order to make him happy is not "giving" but grudgingly conceding. Plus, he will respect you more when you creatively find ways for both of you to get what you want.
My solution is to have a brunette wig that you wear sometimes when you are alone and/or when you have "relations." You can even be Mandi or Candi or Heather when you wear it and assume another persona if you wish. This way you can give to him in temporary ways while still maintaining something (your blondeness) that you consider part of being you. The added bonus is that you show a problem-solving and edgy side simultaneously. There's almost nothing an emotionally healthy man loves more than an independent, resourceful, sexually adventurous woman. Talk about hitting all of his buttons.
Glad I could help...
I don't see wearing a wig as a mature response. Of course we want to be attracted to our SO. But is hair color really THAT much of a deal breaker? My DH would not be any less or more good looking if he were a brunette instead of a blonde. He would just be him, but with brown hair..
Also, don't fool yourself into this "men are the only ones concerned with looks" argument women are too. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I have seen women deemed "ugly" by one men cherished by another. Sometimes I think men us biology as an excuse to be shallow.
Lyz,
I'm trying to be a male voice because women don't often get the straight scoop. Women listen to other women too much and women, I have found, don't know diddly squat about men. We are simple creatures. We like beer, sports, women, cars, and fart humor. Every man is really a 12 year old inside. We just find different, more age-appropriate ways to pull your hair when we get older. I don't know any man that uses biology as an excuse to be shallow. Who would want to be considered shallow intentionally??? I feel like I'm throwing my gender under the bus by admitting how simple and non-nuanced we really are.
By the way, I didn't say women weren't concerned with looks at all. It's just less of a concern than it is to men. Women have different, but equally valid, things they look for in mates. Dr. Harley chronicles the 10 needs of relationships in his best selling book "His Needs Her Needs." Men almost universally put attractiveness in their top 5 and women almost universally put it in their bottom 5. That doesn't mean it's not important to women at all, just not near it is to the level of men.
As such, men will fantasize and even stray to be with their "type." There is no use getting involved in a long term relationship without having this realization. You can either change yourself (dye your hair permanently) which will be like the gift of the magi but will undermine your respect for yourself, or you can try to change him (something that fails nearly every time it's tried), foolishly act like it will never come up again (head in the sand anybody?) or find ways to compromise. I suggested a way to compromise. That seems like a very "mature" response to me, notwithstanding your assessment.
Do not think you speak for most men. In fact no man I have ever met has thought that hair color was a big enough issue to request that a woman dye her hair. One of my dear friends always thought he was a man who preferred blondes until he married his very, very brunette wife and they have no problems (been together almost 10 years). So, essentially I am questioning your ability to give us the "straight" scoop on men. Sounds like you are speaking for yourself. Which is great and that works and I appreciate your POV, but I don't think it's a POV that is safe enough to generalize across the entire gender.
I'm sick of hearing this argument about men being hard-wired to care about appearances.
First, it is just as important for women to mate with men who are young and healthy. Young, healthy men make better hunters. They are better at fighting off the other males. They are more fertile. They have better genes. This is why women who are given away in marriage to older men end up cheating on them - they are driven to be more attracted to young, healthy men. I think this is also why we look down on golddiggers; we know that they aren't really attracted to the men, they're faking it for the money. I think theories that women don't care about looks are fundamentally just theories men want to believe.
Second, I think we get too into the studies that show that most people agree what is attractive when asked to rate faces. This isn't the same question as who we would actually want to date and who we end up with. Who you personally are attracted to is partly learned. Most people end up married to someone who shares their race, class, religion, and political beliefs. There is also a tendency to match intelligence level. Finally, there is an odd, less strong tendency for people to end up with people who look a bit like them. One theory is that we learn who to be attracted to by looking around while we are growing up.
Third, I think real-life attraction goes beyond just looking at someone. It is also about sound of voice, smell, etc. These are also physical things that show health.
Bookmama,
Agreed that attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder and many times learned. I also agree that people seek out people like themselves. You also make a good point that there is more to the physical persona of a person than looks (such as voice, smell, etc.).
But you are incorrect to assume that men are not "hard wired" on the looks thing. The most authoritative book on the subject of what the male gender values in women and what the female gender values in men is "His Needs Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. Men nearly universally rank looks in their top 5 and women nearly universally rank it in their bottom 5. Again, not to say that women don't value it. It's just that they don't value it to anywhere near the degree that men do. As such, it is difficult and near impossible (as you demonstrated) for a woman to fully grasp how much men put priority on this and why. You'll just have to believe me (as a man) that I know a bit more about us and am trying to help shed some light because women get too much information from other women or from men who have been "trained" to never say anything that women find politically incorrect. That's not me. I tell the unvarnished truth about us guys.
Um, men and women saying what they value in a survey doesn't show what is or is not "hard-wired." It shows what men and women in our culture are like. And if you think men are afraid to admit they care about looks, maybe the women answering the survey are too.
In fact, there is so much out there about how men are supposed to be this way that I think we have to assume a man would feel very comfortable admitting it.
I think women have gotten the message loud and clear that caring about men's appearances is shallow. Instead of looking at lists of what women say is important in a mate, why not look at male movie idols - the popular ones look HOT. Look at the trouble short men say they have getting dates. Look at gold-diggers - are they dating older working class guys? When women go for gigolos are they looking for nice guys with a good sense of humor?
Here to tell the truth about women - yes, we want loving, caring, intelligent mates. But when we lust after guys, it's about young, fit, and good-looking (even if we aren't).
There is no way of knowing exactly how the hair color preference came up in conversation. It could have been completely innocent.
In the long run the hair color won't matter. I know my boyfriend prefers blondes; I am a redhead. He wasn't looking for me, but I am who he found, and he states quite clearly (in many different ways) that he wouldn't have it any other way. I hope that this lady has the same type of relationship, but unfortunately she won't if she can't let it go.
Just because he prefers brunettes doesn't mean he doesn't find other hair colors attractive as well. It's usually a combination of things that make someone attractive - I'm sure there are brunettes out there that he wouldn't find attractive due to other characteristics they might have.
I believe its natural for someone to want their lover to be most attracted to their features and looks, But it really should matter more that he wants to be with you the most no matter what hair, eye, skin color you have.
actually, if you look at the article she says he's told her he likes brunettes but also told her her haircolor doesn't matter to him. so it's not him, it's her--she's way too worried about what he thinks. i'm engaged, and let me say, hair color is the last thing on my mind in terms of long-term love.
