7 Workable Ways To Have An Open Relationship When You're Married
An open relationship can work if you set clear, ground rules.
123ducu | Canva Are you curious about an open relationship, but not sure where to start? Maybe you've talked about it with your partner but don't know how to have an open relationship and move forward. Remember: all relationships are unique — one size does not fit all. Use these tips as a guide, but do what feels right for you.
Here are 7 workable ways to have an open relationship when you're married:
1. Put it all out on the table
If you’ve been curious about making your relationship open, the first and most important thing to do is talk it over with your partner. Sit down at an appropriate time when both of you are calm and have plenty of time to chat. The only way to make an open relationship work, research from the University of Rochester says, is to have honest and open communication.
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Be sensitive in bringing it up, but be clear and honest with your emotions. Explain why this is something you’d like to try. If they agree, you can take the next step. If not, talk about other ways to evolve your monogamous relationship.
2. Set some ground rules
The rules couples put in place for their open relationships vary greatly but are all of equal importance. Once you're sure that you both want to go forward, sit down and make a list of boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Write them down and talk out all of the details before going forward.
While it’s important to be compromising in a relationship, this isn’t the place to bend over backward. Make your opinions known and don’t hold back. Compromise, to work in a relationship, requires both partners to do it, according to research from The Journal of Happiness Studies.
Here are some common rules people in open relationships use. But don’t follow these — do what's right for you:
- Always practice safe intimacy outside the relationship.
- No intimacy with mutual friends.
- Intimate encounters must not interfere with the couple’s customary or planned time together.
- Being intimate is permissible only when one partner is out of town.
- Outside intimacy is only allowed with advance agreement with one’s lover.
- Outside intimacy is allowed only when both partners participate.
- Outside intimacy is never permitted at home.
- Physical intimacy is permitted at home, but not in the bedroom.
3. Don’t be afraid to speak up
If you make rules that don’t work and you feel unhappy, be sure to leave room for adjustment. No one said the rules had to be set in stone and it may take time to find out what works best for your relationship. Be patient with each other and the fog will start to clear.
4. Decide what you're comfortable hearing about
If you feel the need to spill every detail of your escapades but your partner would rather you keep that to yourself (or vice-versa), you need to discuss those boundaries that make you both comfortable. Ask for the details you want but before you even ask make sure you want to know.
Maybe you want to know who and when, but is it really necessary to know every detail? If you can handle it and it feels important to you then, by all means, ask.
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5. Take it one step at a time
Start slow. Consider first bringing someone else into your bedroom before you both go out on your own. Either way, be sure to have a frank discussion about each experience before proceeding full-steam ahead.
If it felt right and you’re ready to move forward, you can now do so with more confidence. But if something went awry, identify the root of the problem and work it out before moving on.
6. Don’t cheat
Unless your rules explicitly state that your partner wants to know nothing about who you sleep with, remember that cheating is still cheating, even in an open relationship. Holding back the details, even if it’s because you broke a rule and are worried you will hurt your partner, could cause greater problems going forward. Your open relationship only works because you have trust, and once that’s gone you have nothing.
7. Don’t force the issue
If it isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working for both. Whether this means adjusting your rules or stopping outside relations altogether, make the change that is going to make you comfortable.
Open relationships do not work if only one person is happy. You may come to a point where you no longer need the open relationship or you may come to a point where you no longer want to stay in a committed relationship. Whatever your feelings, be open with them.
Open relationships are about working together to make your partnership exactly what you want it to be. If you're honest, communicate frequently and openly, and use the tips above you'll go far.
Loren Lankford is a freelance writer who has written for CosmoGIRL, Jane, Paste, and Entertainment Weekly, among others.