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Wife loves and cares a lot but keeps extra marital relations

Published on February 6, 2013 by human303

I am married for the last 18 yrs. My wife loves and cares a lot and has stood with me in odds. Our sex life was exciting in the initial years and have still some fire in it now.I do not know how handle one thing abt my wife which she seems to have a habit of. After 2 yrs of our marriage she started having secrete sex with my best friend and no one could sense it. It continued for about 8-9 yrs untill his wife developed a doubt and shared with me. When I asked my wife she refused, but my friend admitted and finaly my wife also admitted and apologised. I broke my friendship. After that she was faithful and clean for about 2 yrs. One of her cousin sister shifted to our city some 5 yrs back. We helped them a lot to settle down. Since we are in the same age, we got friends and meet regularly at weekends. My wife also goes to their place alone also. I have noticed thet my wife definitely goes there in the evenings particularly when sister is not in town.I hinted this to my sis in law she just smiled and said your wife is a very caring sister and does all that I am supposed to, in my absence. She also said that she as ready to offer same services to me in my wife's absence. Why does my wife always need a secrete sex partner for casual encounters? Is it a habit or adventure? What should I do?

ANSWERS

If you are accepting of an "open relationship", that is one thing (not MY thing, but maybe for some). However, sneaking off and cheating on your spouse (repeatedly, no less!), and lying about it is not the act of a loving wife - it's betrayal - pure and simple.

If this were the first time, I'd suggest marital counseling in an effort to save your marriage. Given that your wife has proven that she doesn't want to remain faithful when it's very obvious you want her to be, I'd say your only choice is divorce (unless you wish to resign yourself to a marriage to a cheating wife).

Meet with a divorce attorney on your own, so he can advise you on how to best avoid being shafted in a divorce, then proceed with the painful task. Until you are divorced, as long as you and your wife still have sex, make absolutely certain to ALWAYS use a condom - you need to protect yourself from whatever diseases she may bring home via her sleeping around. If you don't normally use condoms and she asks why now, tell her exactly why you're doing it - to protect yourself from her promiscuity.

Good luck - you'll need it.

You have some real work to do to get things back on track. Some jump right to divorce as the only solution. However, I don't think this is necessarily the best advice. Marriages can survive after affairs have occurred, as long as you both are willing to work on it. You really need to look deeper to see what led up to the affairs. It is high time to have some open honest communication about your relationship as well as both of your needs and values. I get the impression from the way you worded your question, that it is the lack of honesty even more than the extra marital sex that upsets you. If this is the case, than it is important to communicate that what you really want is complete honestly. You need to open up communication. If you feel strongly that monogamy is important, than you do need to communicate this with your wife. However, you also need to be willing to work on the real issues that made an affair seem so appealing. You both need to put some attention on keeping things exciting and interesting in your bedroom. Perhaps try using some role playing or exploring each other’s fantasies. I strongly suspect that she has needs (physical and or emotional) that are not currently being met. Most likely you do as well. Sometimes couples just get a little lazy or stuck in a rut with their sex life, especially when they have been together for a long time. You can turn this around if you get creative and make your love life a priority. Another thing to consider is that some modern couples are exploring (consensual) alternatives to monogamy such as open relationships, polyamory or swinging. However, honesty and openness are keys to making any relationship work, as well as these non-monogamous relationship choices.

My name is Lisa Shield. I am a relationship expert on YourTango.com. For more info. visit my website www.lisashield.com Relationships are built on one thing: trust. You wife has betrayed your trust not once but twice. It sounds like you love her and don't want to just walk away. There is no way you will ever feel safe or get on a good track unless you seek some outside help. My suggestion is to find a good marriage coach in your area who can help the two of you communicate and get these issues out in the open.

It appears as though she(your wife) enjoys the fact that she can explore other sexual partners. Now the question is, is your relationship going sour because of her extra marital affairs, or do you see it helping your marriage? Honestly, there are lots of marriages that invite extra marital affairs to spice up their current relationship and winds up helping the marriage, some it damages it. You need to ask yourself is it worth it? Open the floor up for conversation as to why she is doing that and ask her if she would not mind you too having a second partner outside of your marriage. It won't feel so good to her knowing that another woman can turn your head and make you feel a special kind of way that she cannot.

My first wife had multiple sex partners and I did not mind at all. Till one day I saw her preparing string beans. There were two piles... the better pile was what she was bringing to her lover's house... the rejects were going to be left for me. That was the signal. We parted ways shortly after that. You can sleep with whoever you want, but don't be sticking me with the crappy beans!

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