Slightly jealous over BFs past....Help?

Published on December 11, 2012 by kikikitty

I've been seeing an amazing guy for the last couple of years, and for some reason I am STILL bothered by some of his past.

He lived with a woman for YEARS, he was madly in love with her, and she destroyed the relationship by cheating, so that relationship ended.And he has been with a few other women, but he never mentions any of them, he only ever mentions her...which means to me, she was the one who meant the most, which makes me feel a little inferior I guess....

After he broke up with this woman, he moved in with a female roommate. I don't know how they met, he hasn't mentioned her much, all I know is that they lived together for about 4 or 5 years. She was apparently just a friend- he says they never slept together, never had any romantic feelings, and he basically lived there because the rent was cheap and she needed financial help with her children. I haven't seen a picture of her, but for some reason it bothers me like crazy wondering what she looked like...was she skinnier than me? prettier? It sounds petty, I know....Anyways, I was extremely uncomfortable with him living with another woman, and we discussed it and he decided that he didn't want to lose me so he moved out of her house on his own. He claims they don't talk much, but I feel like they must have had such a deep connection living together for years like that- It HAD to be deep if there was no sex involved and he still wanted to be around her...And that deep connection that they possibly had really bothers me, and I don't know why. I know he says they were only friends...but still. I wonder.

Anyways, he's the most amazing man I've ever known, and he treats me wonderfully...I don't doubt him telling me the truth (And what is past is HIS past) but for some reason, these two "relationships" from his past really bother me. I wish I understood why. :( Why does this bother me so much? What can I do to stop my brain from going a million miles a second?

Thank you.

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On December 11, 2012, oli said:

I think every girl at one point or another was where you are right now. We all are guilty in a little jealousy about our boyfriend's past, who wouldn't be if there was someone special there! Another thing, thought, is when this past is dragged into you and your man's present, reading your thoughts makes me think it is a real problem between you two.

I get it that his past relationship bothers you, but you must understand that it ended for a reason - his ex apparently didn't appreciate him enough if she found love on the side. And no matter how special she was for him she broke his trust and his heart by doing so. With absolute certainty I can say that whatever feelings he had for her are now gone, replaced by sadness and betrayal. He may still have memories of her or mention her in his talks, but guys do that just to remind themselves not to be in this situation again, so no woman can hurt them so brutally again. You must remember that he is now with you, meaning he trusts you with his heart and this is a big thing to have after been betrayed by someone he was "madly in love with" and this woman is now in the past, she is gone forever from his life.

About the other situation you described - I don't think he is lying to you about how he feels about his previous "roommate", but agree it's absolutely understandable to develop some kind of friendship even with a person you rarely speak to if you've been living with her for such a long time! Given that I'd say he sees her as a good friend, as a person he could come home to and share his thought over a cup of tea. I tell that from personal experience, as I've had numerous number of "roommates" both guys and girls and one tends to become close with people one lives, I may say even closer than with friends as home is a very safe environment and what is shared there tends to become more special. However I'm not at all saying he has romantic feeling towards that woman, no, not at all! If it was true he had plenty of time to realize his feelings and act on them, but he didn't, meaning this person is just dear to him as a friend. Again you should think that it is you who he is with and not her, meaning whatever friendship he has with her should be ok with you.

I know it is hard not to think about these topics, but I hope that what I wrote here will make it a bit easier for you. From my own experience I know that if something bothers me I can't just stop thinking about it, instead I try to reason myself, see the positive side - when it comes to past relationships I just remind myself that whatever he had apparently wasn't good enough if it's now in the past and I am the one in his present, meaning it is more special than anything before was! ;)

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