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Pregnant and getting an unwanted Divorce

Published on January 31, 2013 by bigheart15

I need honest mature opinions, anecdotes or anything. My husband and I have been married for around 4 years but lived together for 4 years before we married, so around 8 total. We have 2 kids and expecting our third. We weren’t thrilled to have a third one, since we weren’t planning on it but I continued with my pregnancy. About 4 months ago he started telling me that he might don’t feel love for me like before, that he wasn’t in love with me and the love he felt wasn’t the love you feel for a spouse. I was devastated and confused; I couldn’t understand why out of the blue he said he didn’t love me. He was acting distant for a few months before that but I thought it was because the pregnancy or marital problems that we all go through. A month or so after he told me that, I found out he was cheating on me, it was going on for about 4 months at that time. I was heartbroken, depressed, angry, devastated, etc… I was pregnant and he was cheating. We decided to work things through and give it a second chance, after all, we had 2 kids and 1 more on the way plus I still loved him. I wasn’t able to feel too happy, I was still hurt, I didn’t wanted to have sex with him and when we finally did, I felt numb, I was still angry and cried every now and then. After a month of that I found out that he was still talking to the other woman, so I told him that is was best for us to divorce. He agreed of course, but then I backed out, after all that I still loved him, I didn’t want to let go. I did some foolish stuff like crying for days, acted out, and begged him to stay when he was going out. I did all embarrassing things one can do when desperate and loosing what one loves. Few weeks of healing and I felt better, enough to hide my sadness and depression, enough to draw a smile in front of him and joke around even if I was feeling dead inside. We are still living in the same house, and this have made it difficult for me to heal but we are getting along. He helps with the kids and helps me around the house since my pregnancy won’t let me do a lot. We are still married, but not together. It takes a lot of me knowing where he is and act like I’m “cool” about it when he leaves the house to go to her; he goes every other weekend and stays out. I act like I don’t care what he is doing, act like I’m OK and moving on now, I joke with him, cook, clean, etc… We have nice conversations and laugh a lot. Recently we started having sex, but I know it is just that, nothing more. But, for some reason it feels better than ever, but I’m very clear that it is just that, and not because we do it, means that he loves me. I asked him how serious was his new relationship and he said “in between”. I don’t understand clearly what does this mean. I have done a lot of reading, when going through something like this, anything seems comforting. I have read about affairs and divorces after that. A lot of people agree on an affair being not real, that the person is not thinking straight and confuses love with lust. But in moments like that I need to let him go, let him go and find out what he is really doing and what he is losing. He is not the same, he is not acting like the man I married, but no matter how hard I try, my love for him is too deep to stop loving him. I don’t want my marriage to end, but I’m not holding on to it if he doesn’t want to. I’m willing to divorce and go on with my life if that is what I have to do, I want him to be happy and not feel trapped, and If I make him feel this way, I rather let him go. I’m just confused if this is just something that is not “real” and later on he will come back to us. What do you think?

ANSWERS

wow if hes doing all this to you do you really think hes worth staying with i mean think about it deeply

Have you thought about counseling? I would suggest a marriage counselor before you get a divorce. Ask him to go to at least one session before you end things. If he agree know that you may hear things that are not so pleasant and hurtfully.

Thanks for your answers. He is not willing to go to counseling. If I say anything about getting back toghether he will get uncomfortable and things will get harder in the house. By me acting like I'm ok, things are civil and we are able to talk and be around each other and the kids without fighting. I know I might be a fool, trying to get this man back after all he has done, but What can I say? I tried, but I can't just stop loving him, I miss us everyday and pray to God that this ends soon. We hae been through many beautiful things, I can't believe its over from one day to another.

He's made it clear that he wants out and does not want to reconcile. That being the case, talk to your divorce lawyer and make sure you've got someone looking out for your legal and financial rights. Also, get the almost-ex out of the house.

Hi there, this is salamai, I just want to let you know that I understand your feelings. I feel exactly the same towards my fiance, so weak and so deeply in love. I have this immense love towards him that became my weakness and I dint even notice for which at times he might threaten to hang up on me or leave me and I get all nervous and beg him to stay. I would say, don't let this happen to you anymore because it could be that you were the wrong one in this relationship and that is why you dint want to lose a good man BUT THIS AINT THE CASE. Can't you see its not worth it anymore since HE IS NOT ONLY WRONG BUT HE HAS CROSSED THAT SACRED BOUNDARY THAT ACTUALLY IS THE ESSENCE OF BEING MARRIED and i.e. BEING LOYAL. He has cheated on you there is no more coming back and this is it. HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE ANYMORE TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU FORGIVE HIM AND ALSO WANT HIM TO STAY WITH YOU. You are better than this. You don't need a man to make you happy trust me happiness lies inside of you, this does not mean that after he leaves you go clubbing and drinking and sleeping with strange men to get over it but you have beautiful children to live for whom you can strive to make different from their father so that when they grow up they don't do the same to others. Listen to this friend, you are a world within yourself, I'm a Muslim and I find happiness in connecting with my Creator, I trust Him and I have bonded with Him so that I know when an imperfect being hurts me I can resort to Him Who never leaves me. We pray five times a day and this helps a lot trust me especially when I go down in prostration and talk to Him. Anyways, just go look at yourself in the mirror, your eyes, your heart, your hair, your fingers, they are all functioning well, your heart is pumping blood and your lungs are doing a wonderful job, your brain is working giving you commands and your limbs are still moving. The point of saying all this is to make you realize YOU ARE A WORLD ON YOUR OWN. So precious, so functional and so full of life. Never tired Ma shaa Allah and look at your teeth, a whole little world of its own with beautiful anatomy. Do not hold onto any attachment except that with your Maker that it hurts so much dear. Let it go and ask for a divorce as soon as you can find a good job to support yourself and the kids.

when I read this I felt so bad that I immediately opened an account here just to be able to let you know LET GO, LET GO, LET GO, he wont find someone as better as you but you are beautiful and you appreciate life and love and so you deserve better in life and NOT HIM...

salamai pardon me any typos friend...

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