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Is it ok to ask my boyfriend why he hasn't proposed yet?

Published on February 7, 2013 by dparamo

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and half and live together. Everything is really good in our relationship and he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and my children. He is currently in college and has a year left of school and says he would love for us to get married after that. I want to ask him why he hasn't proposed, but not sure if I should. I know he has had commitment issues due to an ex-fiance leaving him for another man. And he's been open with me that he's worked on his issues and never thought he'd want to try to commit again until he fell in love with me. We've both been previously married once before and I don't know even why I am so worried or even concerned about the ring on my finger, but I really want to be engaged to him and not sure if I should tell him that. I was previously married for 18 years and feel out of the loop when it comes to these things. How much do you persist and how much do you back off and see what happens. I've even considered proposing to him but I'm old fashioned and want him to. Thank you for any advice on this. I really appreciate it.

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On February 7, 2013, tanstaafl2 said:

First - is it that you really want to be engaged, or that you really want to be engaged TO HIM. If you're really just looking for him to satisfy an item on your checklist, you're not ready to be talking marriage.

As for your boyfriend, dating for 1 1/2 to 2 years before becoming engaged is probably about the average, so it does not seem that he's dragging his heels. You both sound like you're older than the typical college students, so maybe he has a greater sense of maturity and responsibility and wants to wait until he has his degree and/or a job before asking you to be his wife.

I'd say wait as much as your patience will allow you. It's OK for you to discuss your future together, but nagging will turn him off.

If (as I suspect is the case) your patience is not up to the task and he doesn't pull the trigger, there is nothing wrong with a woman proposing to her man. Just like in making love, while it's "normal" for the man to be the initiator - there is no better feeling to us than having a strong, confidant woman who has lots of choice, can have what she wants, and what she wants is us. Just be aware of the big risk to proposing (and it's the reason most men are so worried when they do it) - if the answer is, "No", the relationship is pretty much over.

If you two do get engaged, I very strongly suggest you attend a series of pre-marital counseling classes (even though you've both been married before). Many churches require them nowadays before they'll marry you, an the classes are well worth taking even if not required. Also look through this web site and that of Mary Jo Rapini, for articles and lists of important things you need to discuss and be in agreement on before marrying.

Good luck.

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