5 Signs You're Creating A Truly Secure Attachment
Your attachment style can change for the better with some conscious effort on your part.
Sanja Radin / Getty Images via Canva Healing isn't easy, and it can be hard to tell if you're on the right track. And let's face it. we're all afraid of letting our past traumas affect our most important relationships.
So, it's no surprise if you've found yourself wondering whether you're truly healing or if you still have a long road ahead.
Fortunately, therapist Logan Cohen is here to discuss the five signs that you're building secure attachments in your relationships.
5 Signs You're Creating A Secure Attachment
1. You ask for what you need directly.
If you're developing a secure attachment, chances are you're starting to become more direct about your needs rather than expecting someone else to read mind, Cohen explains.
If you feel hurt or disrespected you don't shut down or lash out in anger. No, someone who has a secure attachment style discusses their issues respectfully.
2. You sometimes feel a need to shut down, but you recognize it and hold yourself accountable.
Even as you're building a secure attachment, you might still feel overwhelmed and deregulated at times, says Cohen.
But you don't let this dysregulation affect you. Instead, you address your feelings with your partner and hold yourself accountable for your emotions.
This way, you avoid misunderstandings and put yourself in a position where you can problem-solve together.
3. When your partner gets distant you take it less personally.
While many might take it personally if their partners ask for space or distance, those forming secure attachments don't take these things to heart.
Instead, "You've developed some tools to self-soothe after stressful conversations and can ask for support if you need it," says Cohen.
And if you're truly offended by their request? Those who are secure will simply address the issue head-on, allowing for clarification and compromise.
4. You're comfortable enough with yourself to let people see the imperfect parts of you.
You know you have a secure attachment when you begin to open up. Not fearing your imperfections you allow those around you to see your authentic self.
In the past, you were likely scared of your imperfections. You hated them and did everything in your power to erase them. But now, you embrace those imperfections and find the beauty in them.
And when you open up to others, you allow them to see and appreciate those quirks too.
5. After you hurt someone you can own it and repair it.
One of the biggest signs of someone with a secure attachment is their ability to take responsibility for their past mistakes. In the past, you might have avoided acknowledging your faults or blamed others for your bad behavior.
But people who've grown understand that making mistakes is human and part of their personal growth. They aren't intimidated by this fact.
Instead, they admit their mistakes and seek ways to improve themselves so they can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Healing from the past hurts and learning new, healthier behaviors can be a challenge. But if you're showing any of these five signs, congrats, you're on the road to healing and developing secure attachments in your relationship.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.